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THE UNIFORM EDITION OF 
THE PLAYS OF J. M. BARRIE 



THE ADMIRABLE 
CRICHTON 



THE WORKS OF J. M. BARRIE. 



NOVELS, STORIES, AND SKETCHES. 
Uniform Edition. 

AULD LICHT IDYLLS, BETTER DEAD. 

WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 

A WINDOW IN THRUMS, AN EDINBURGH 

ELEVEN. 
THE LITTLE MINISTER. 
SENTIMENTAL TOMMY. 

MY LADY NICOTINE, MARGARET OGILVY. 
TOMMY AND GRIZEL. 
THE LITTLE WHITE BIRD. 
PETER AND WENDY. 
Also 

HALF HOURS, DER TAG. 
ECHOES OF WAR. 

PLA VS. 
Uniform Edition. 

A KISS FOR CINDERELLA 

ALICE SIT-BY-THE-FIRE. 

WHAT EVERY WOMAN KNOWS. 

QUALITY STREET. 

THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON. 

ECHOES OF THE WAR. 

Containing: THE OLD LADY SHOWS HER 
MEDALS — THE NEW WORD — BAR- 
BARA'S WEDDING — A WELL-REMEM- 
BERED VOICE. 

HALF HOURS. 

Containing: PANTALOON— THE TWELVE- 
POUND LOOK— ROSALIND— THE WttL. 

Others in Preparation. 
INDIVIDUAL EDITIONS. 

PETER PAN IN KENSINGTON GARDENS. 

Illustrated by Arthur Rackham. 
PETER AND WENDY. 

Illustrated by F. D. Bedford. 
TOMMY AND GRIZEL. 

Illustrated by Bernard Partridge. 
MARGARET OGILVY. 

*% For particulars concerning The Thistle 
Edition of the Works of J. M. Barrie, sold only 
by subscription, send for circular. 

NEW YORK : CHARLES SCRIBNERS SONS 



THE PLAYS OF 
J. M. B A R R I E 



THE ADMIRABLE 
CRICHTON 

A COMEDY 



CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS 

NEW YORK ::::::::: 1921 



-f^k 



oiA- 






Copyright, 1918, by 
J. M. BARBIE 



All rights reserved under the International Copyright Act. 
Performance forbidden and right of representation reserved. 
Application for the right of performing this play must be 
made to Charles Frohman, Inc., Empire Theatre, New York. 



v 




ACT I 



ACT I 

AT LOAM HOUSE, MAYFAIR 

A moment before the curtain rises, the Hon. Ernest 
Woolley drives up to the door of Loam House in May- 
fair. There is a happy smile on his pleasant, .in- 
significant face, and this presumably means that he is 
thinking of himself. He is too busy over nothing, this 
man about town, to be always thinking of himself, but, 
on the other hand, he almost never thinks of any other 
person. Probably Ernest's great moment is when he 
wakes of a morning and realises that he really is 
Ernest, for we must all urish to be that which is our 
ideal. We can conceive him springing out of bed 
light-heartedly and waiting for his man to do the rest. 
He is dressed in excellent taste, with just the little bit 
more which shows that he is not without a sense of 
humour: the dandiacal are often saved by carrying 
a smile at the whole thing in their spats, let us say. 
Ernest left Cambridge the other day, a member of the 
Athenwum (ivhich he would be sorry to have you con- 
found with a club in London of the same name) . He 
is a bachelor, but not of arts, no mean epigrammatist 
(as you shall see), and a favourite of the ladies. He 

3 



4 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

is almost a celebrity in restaurants, where he dints 
frequently, returning to sup; and during this last year 
he has probably paid as much in them for the privilege 
of handing his hat to an attendant as the rent of a 
working-man's flat. He compla' s brightly that he 
is hard up, and that if somebody or other at West- 
minster does not look out the country will go to the dogs. 
He is no fool. He has the shrewdness to float with the 
current because it is a labour-saving process, but he 
has sufficient pluck to fight, if fight he must (a brief 
contest, for he would soon be toppled over). He has 
a light nature, which would enable him to bob up 
cheerily in new conditions and return unaltered to the 
old ones. His selfishness is his most endearing 
quality. If he has his way he will spend his life like 
a cat in pushing his betters out of the soft places, and 
until he is old he will be fondled in the process. 

He gives his hat to one footman and his cane to 
another, and mounts the great staircase unassisted 
and undirected. As a nephew of the house he need 
show no credentials even to Crichton, who is guarding 
a door above. 

It would not be good taste to describe Crichton, who 
is only a servant; if to the scandal of all good houses 
he is to stand out as a figure in the play, he must do it 
on his own, as they say in the pantry and the boudoir. 



i] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 5 

We are not going to help him. We have had mis- 
givings ever since we found his name in the title, and 
we shall keep him out of his rights as long as we can. 
Even though we softened to him he would not be a hero 
in these clothes of servitude; and he loves his clothes. 
How to get him out of them? It would require a 
cataclysm. To be an indoor servant at all is to 
Crichton a badge of honour ; to be a butler at thirty 
is the realisation of his proudest ambitions. He is 
devotedly attached to his master, who, in his opinion, 
has but one fault, he is not sufficiently contemptuous of 
his inferiors. We are immediately to be introduced to 
this solitary failing of a great English peer. 

This perfect butler, then, opens a door, and ushers 
Ernest into a certain room. At the same moment the 
curtain rises on this room, and the play begins. 

It is one of several reception-rooms in Loam House, 
not the most magnificent but quite the softest ; and of 
a warm afternoon all that those icho are anybody crave 
for is the softest. The larger rooms are magnificent 
and bare, carpetless, so that it is an accomplishment 
to keep one y s feet on them ; they are sometimes lent for 
charitable purposes; they are also all in use on the 
night of a dinner-party, when you may find yourself 
alone in one, having taken a wrong turning ; or alone, 
save for two others who are withdn hailing distance. 



6 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

This room, however, is comparatively small and 
very soft There are so many cushions in it that 
you wonder why, if you are an outsider and don't 
know that it needs six cushions to make one fair head 
comfy. The couches themselves are cushions as large 
as beds, and there is an art of sinking into them and of 
waiting to be helped out of them. There are several 
famous paintings on the walls, of which you may say 
' Jolly thing that, 9 without losing caste as knowing too 
much; and in cases there are glorious miniatures, but 
the daughters of the house cannot tell you of whom; 
'there is a catalogue somewhere.' There are a 
thousand or so of roses in basins, several library 
novels, and a row of weekly illustrated newspapers 
lying against each other like fallen soldiers. If any 
one disturbs this row Crichton seems to know of it 
from afar and appears noiselessly and replaces the 
wanderer. One thing unexpected in such a room is 
a great array of tea things. Ernest spots them with 
a twinkle, and has his epigram at once unsheathed. 
He dallies, however, before delivering the thrust. 

ernest. I perceive, from the tea cups, 
Crichton, that the great function is to take 
place here. 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 7 

crichton {with a respectful sigh). Yes, sir. 

ernest {chuckling heartlessly). The servants' 
hall coming up to have tea in the drawing-room ! 
{With terrible sarcasm.) No wonder you look 
happy, Crichton. 

crichton {under the knife). No, sir. 

ernest. Do you know, Crichton, I think 
that with an effort you might look even happier. 
(crichton smiles wanly.) You don't approve 
of his lordship's compelling his servants to be 
his equals — once a month ? 

crichton. It is not for me, sir, to disapprove 
of his lordship's Radical views. 

ernest. Certainly not. And, after all, it is 
only once a month that he is affable to you. 

crichton. On all other days of the month, 
sir, his lordship's treatment of us is everything 
that could be desired. 

ernest. {This is the epigram.) Tea cups! 
Life, Crichton, is like a cup of tea; the more 
heartily we drink, the sooner we reach the 
dregs. 

crichton {obediently). Thank you, sir. 

ernest (Jbecoming confidential, as we do when 



8 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

we have need of an ally). Crichton, in case I 
should be asked to say a few words to the 
servants, I have strung together a little speech. 
(His hand strays to his pocket.) I was wonder- 
ing where I should stand. 

(He tries various places and postures, 
and comes to rest leaning over a high chair, 
whence, in dumb show, he addresses a 
gathering, crichton, with the best in- 
tentions, gives him a footstool to stand on, 
and departs, happily unconscious that 
ernest in some dudgeon has kicked the 
footstool across the room.) 
ernest (addressing an imaginary audience, and 
desirous of startling them at once). Suppose 
you were all little fishes at the bottom of the 

sea 

(He is not quite satisfied with his position, 
though sure that the fault must lie with the 
chair for being too high, not with him for 
being too short, crichton's suggestion 
was not perhaps a bad one after all. He 
lifts the stool, but hastily conceals it behind 
him on the entrance of the ladies Catherine 



l] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 9 

and agatha, two daughters of the house. 
Catherine is twenty, and agatha two 
years younger. They are very fashionable 
young women indeed, who might wake up 
for a dance, but they are very lazy, 
Catherine being two years lazier than 

AGATHA.) 

ernest {uneasily jocular, because he is con- 
cealing the footstool). And how are my little 
friends to-day ? 

agatha {contriving to reach a settee). Don't 
be silly, Ernest. If you want to know how we 
are, we are dead. Even to think of entertain- 
ing the servants is so exhausting. 

Catherine {subsiding nearer the door). Be- 
sides which, we have had to decide what frocks 
to take with us on the yacht, and that is such a 
mental strain. 

ernest. You poor over- worked things. {Evi- 
dently agatha is his favourite, for he helps her to 
put her feet on the settee, while Catherine has to 
dispose of her own feet.) Rest your weary limbs. 

Catherine {perhaps in revenge). But why 
have you a footstool in your hand ? 



10 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

AGATHA. Yes ? 

ernest. Why? {Brilliantly; but to he sure 
he has had time to think it out.) You see, as the 
servants are to be the guests I must be butler. 
I was practising. This is a tray, observe. 

{Holding the footstool as a tray, he minces 
across the room like an accomplislied 
footman. The gods favour him, for just 
here lady mary enters, and he holds out 
the footstool to her.) 
Tea, my lady ? 

(lady mary is a beautiful creature of 
twenty-two, and is of a natural hauteur 
which is at once the fury and the envy of 
her sisters. If she chooses she can make 
you seem so insignificant that you feel you 
might be swept away with the crumb-brush. 
She seldom chooses, because of the trouble 
of preening herself as she does it; she is 
usually content to show that you merely 
tire her eyes. She often seems to be about 
to go to sleep in the middle of a re- 
mark: there is quite a long and anxious 
pause, and then she continues, like a clock 



ij THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 11 

that hesitates, bored in the middle of its 

strike.) 
lady mary (arching her brows). It is only 
you, Ernest; I thought there was some one 
here (and she also bestows herself on cushions) . 

ernest (a little piqued, and deserting the fool- 
stool). Had a very tiring day also, Mary? 

lady mary (yawning). Dreadfully. Been 
trying on engagement-rings all the morning. 

ernest (ivho is as fond of gossip as the oldest 
club member). What's that? (To agatha.) 
Is it Brocklehurst ? 

(The energetic agatha nods.) 
You have given your warm young heart to 
Brocky ? 

(lady mary is impervious to his humour, 

but he continues bravely.) 
I don't wish to fatigue you, Mary, by insisting 
on a verbal answer, but if, without straining 
yourself, you can signify Yes or No, won't 
you make the effort ? 

(She indolently flashes a ring on her 

most important finger, and he starts 

back melodramatically.) 



12 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 



The ring ! Then I am too late, too late ! 
(Fixing lady mary sternly, like a prosecuting 
counsel,) May I ask, Mary, does Brocky 
know? Of course, it was that terrible mother 
of his who pulled this through. Mother does 
everything for Brocky. Still, in the eyes of 
the law you will be, not her wife, but his, and, 
therefore, I hold that Brocky ought to be 
informed. Now 

(He discovers that their languorous eyes 

have closed.) 
If you girls are shamming sleep in the ex- 
pectation that I shall awaken you in the 
manner beloved of ladies, abandon all such 
hopes. 

(Catherine and agatha look up without 

speaking.) 
lady mary (speaking without looking up). 
You impertinent boy. 

ernest (eagerly plucking another epigram 
from his quiver). I knew that was it, though 
I don't know everything. Agatha, I 'm not 
young enough to know everything. 

(He looks hopefully from one to another, 



i] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 13 

but though they try to grasp this, his 
brilliance baffles them.) 
agatha (his secret admirer) . Young enough ? 
ernest (encouragingly). Don't you see? 
I 'm not young enough to know everything. 

agatha. I ? m sure it 's awfully clever, but 
it 's so puzzling. 

(Here crichton ushers in an athletic, 

pleasant-faced young clergyman, MR. tre- 

herne, who greets the company.) 

Catherine. Ernest, say it to Mr. Treherne. 

ernest. Look here, Treherne, I 'm not 

young enough to know everything. 

treherne. How do you mean, Ernest? 
ernest (a little nettled). I mean what I 
say. 

lady mary. Say it again; say it more 
slowly. 

ernest. I 'm — not — young — enough — to — 
know — everything. 

treherne. / see. What you really mean, 
my boy, is that you are not old enough to know 
everything. 

ernest. No, I don't. 



14 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

treherne. I assure you that 's it. 
lady mary. Of course it is. 
Catherine. Yes, Ernest, that 's it. 

(ernest, in desperation, appeals to 

CRICHTON.) 

ernest. I am not young enough, Crichton, 
to know everything. 

(// is an anxious moment, but a smile 
is at length extorted from crichton as 
with a corkscrew.) 

crichton. Thank you, sir. (He goes.) 

ernest (relieved) . Ah, if you had that fellow's 
head, Treherne, you would find something 
better to do with it than play cricket. I hear 
you bowl with your head. 

treherne (with proper humility). I 'm afraid 
cricket is all I 'm good for, Ernest. 

Catherine (who thinks he has a heavenly 
nose). Indeed, it isn't. You are sure to get 
on, Mr; Treherne. 

treherne. Thank you, Lady Catherine. 

Catherine. But it was the bishop who told 
me so. He said a clergyman who breaks both 
ways is sure to get on in England. 



THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 15 

TREHERNE. I 'm jolly glad. 

{The master of the house comes in, accom- 
panied by LORD BROCKLEHURST. The 
earl of loam is a widower, a philan- 
thropist, and a peer of advanced ideas. 
As a widower he is at least able to interfere 
in the domestic concerns of his house — to 
rummage in the drawers, so to speak, for 
which he has felt an itching all his blame- 
less life; his philanthropy has opened 
quite a number of other drawers to him; 
and his advanced ideas have blown out 
his figure. He takes in all the weightiest 
monthly reviews, and prefers those 'that 
are uncut, because he perhaps never looks 
better than when cutting them; but he does 
not read them, and save for the cutting 
it would suit him as well merely to take 
in the covers. He writes letters to the 
papers, which are printed in a type to 
scale with himself, and he is very jealous 
of those other correspondents who get 
his type. Let laws and learning, art 
and commerce die, but leave the big type 



16 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

to an intellectual aristocracy. He is really 
the reformed House of Lords which will 
come some day. 

Young lord brocklehurst is nothing 
save for his rank. You could pick him 
up by the handful any day in Picca- 
dilly or Holborn, buying socks — or selling 
them.) 
lord loam (expansively). You are here, 
Ernest. Feeling fit for the voyage, Treherne? 
treherne. Looking forward to it enor- 
mously. 

lord loam. That 's right. (He chases his 
children about as if they were chickens.) Now 
then, Mary, up and doing, up and doing. Time 
we had the servants in. They enjoy it so 
much. 

lady mary. They hate it. 
lord loam. Mary, to your duties. (And 
he points severely to the tea-table.) 

ernest (twinkling). Congratulations, Brocky. 
lord brocklehurst (who detests humour). 
Thanks. 

ernest. Mother pleased ? 



ij THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 17 

lord brocklehurst (with dignity). Mother 
is very pleased. 

ernest. That 's good. Do you go on the 
yacht with us? 

lord brocklehurst. Sorry I can't. And 
look here, Ernest, I will not be called Brocky. 

ernest. Mother don't like it ? 

lord brocklehurst. She does not. (He 
leaves ernest, who forgives him and begins to 
think about his speech, crichton enters.) 

lord loam (speaking as one man to another). 
We are quite ready, Crichton. (crichton is 
distressed.) 

lady mary (sarcastically) . How Crichton en- 
joys it ! 

lord loam (frowning). He is the only one 
who doesn't; pitiful creature. 

crichton (shuddering under his lord's dis- 
pleasure). I can't help being a Conservative, 
my lord. 

lord loam. Be a man, Crichton. You 
are the same flesh and blood as myself. 

crichton (in pain). Oh, my lord ! 

lord loam (sharply). Show them in; 



18 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

and, by the way, they were not all here last 
time. 

crichton. All, my lord, except the merest 
trifles. 

lord loam. It must be every one. {Lower- 
ing.) And remember this, Crichton, for the time 
being you are my equal. {Testily.) I shall soon 
show you whether you are not my equal. Do 
as you are told. 

(crichton departs to obey, and his lord- 

ship is now a general. He has no pity 

for his daughters, and uses a terrible 

threat.) 

And girls, remember, no condescension. The 

first who condescends recites. {This sends 

them skurrying to their labours.) 

By the way, Brocklehurst, can you do any- 
thing ? 

lord brocklehurst. How do you mean? 

lord loam. Can you do anything — with a 
penny or a handkerchief, make them disappear, 
for instance ? 

lord brocklehurst. Good heavens, no. 

lord loam. It 's a pity. Every one in 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 19 

our position ought to be able to do something. 
Ernest, I shall probably ask you to say a few 
words; something bright and sparkling. 

ernest. But, my dear uncle, I have pre- 
pared nothing. 

lord loam. Anything impromptu will do. 
ernest. Oh — well — if anything strikes me 
on the spur of the moment. 

(He unostentatiously gets the footstool 
into position behind the chair, crich- 
ton reappears to announce the guests, 
of whom the first is the housekeeper.) 
crichton (reluctantly). Mrs. Perkins. 
lord loam (shaking hands). Very delighted, 
Mrs. Perkins. Mary, our friend, Mrs. Perkins. 
lady mary. How do you do, Mrs. Perkins ? 
Won't you sit here ? 

lord loam (threateningly) . Agatha ! 
agatha (hastily). How do you do? Won't 
you sit down? 

lord loam (introducing). Lord Brockle- 
hurst — my valued friend, Mrs. Perkins. 

(lord brocklehurst bows and escapes. 
He has to fall back on ernest.) 



20 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lord brocklehurst. For heaven's sake, 
Ernest, don't leave me for a moment; this sort 
of thing is utterly opposed to all my principles. 
ernest {airily). You stick to me, Brocky, 
and I '11 pull you through. 
crichton. Monsieur Fleury. 
ernest. The chef. 

lord loam {shaking hands with the chef). 
Very charmed to see you, Monsieur Fleury. 
fleury. Thank you very much. 

(fleury bows to agatha, who is not 
effusive.) 
lord loam {warningly). Agatha — recita- 
tion ! 

{She tosses her head, but immediately 
finds a seat and tea for u. fleury. 
treherne and ernest move about, 
making themselves amiable, lady mary 
is presiding at the tea-tray.) 
crichton. Mr. Rolleston. 
lord loam {shaking hands with his valet). 
How do you do, Rolleston ? 

(Catherine looks after the wants of 
rolleston.) 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 21 

crichton. Mr. Tompsett. 

(tompsett, the coachman, is received 
with honours, from which he shrinks.) 
crichton. Miss Fisher. 

{This superb creature is no less than lady 
mary's maid, and even lord loam is a 
little nervous.) 
lord loam. This is a pleasure, Miss Fisher. 
ernest {unabashed). If I might venture, 
Miss Fisher {and he takes Jier unto himself). 
crichton. Miss Simmons. 
lord loam {to Catherine's maid). You 
are always welcome, Miss Simmons. 

ernest {perhaps to kindle jealousy in miss 
fisher). At last we meet. Won't you sit 
down? 

crichton. Mademoiselle Jeanne. 
lord loam. Charmed to see you, Made- 
moiselle Jeanne. 

{A place is found for agatha's maid, 
and the scene is now an animated one; 
but still our host thinks his girls are not 
sufficiently sociable. He frowns on lady 

MARY.) 



22 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary (in alarm). Mr. Treherne, this 
is Fisher, my maid. 

lord loam (sharply). Your what, Mary? 

lady mary. My friend. 

crichton. Thomas. 

lord loam. How do you do, Thomas ? 

(The first footman gives him a reluctant hand.) 
crichton. John. 
lord loam. How do you do, John ? 

(ERNEST signs to LORD BROCKLEHURST, who 

hastens to him.) 
ernest {introducing). Brocklehurst, this is 
John. I think you have already met on the 
door-step. 

crichton. Jane. 
(She comes, wrapping her hands miserably in 
her apron.) 
lord loam (doggedly). Give me your hand, 
Jane. 

crichton. Gladys. 

ernest. How do you do, Gladys. You 
know my uncle ? 

lord loam. Your hand, Gladys. 
(He bestows her on agatha.) 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 23 

crichton. Tweeny. 

(She is a very humble and frightened 
kitchenmaid, of whom we are to see 
more.) 
lord loam. So happy to see you. 
fisher. John, I saw you talking to Lord 
Brocklehurst just now; introduce me. 

lord brocklehurst (at the same moment to 
ernest) . That 's an uncommon pretty girl ; if I 
must feed one of them, Ernest, that 's the one. 
(But ernest tries to part him and fisher 
as they are about to shake hands.) 
ernest. No you don't, it won't do, Brocky. 
(To miss fisher.) You are too pretty, my 
dear. Mother wouldn't like it. (Discovering 
tweeny.) Here 's something safer. Charming 
girl, Brocky, dying to know you; let me in- 
troduce you. Tweeny, Lord Brocklehurst — 
Lord Brocklehurst, Tweeny. 

(brocklehurst accepts his fate; but 
he still has an eye for fisher, and some- 
thing may come of this.) 
lord loam (severely) . They are not all here, 
Crichton. 



24 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

crichton {with a sigh). Odds and ends. 

{A stable-boy and a page are shown 
in, and for a moment no daughter of the 
house advances to them.) 
lord loam (with a roving eye on his 
children). Which is to recite? 

{The last of the company are, so to say, 
embraced.) 
lord loam {to tompsett, as they partake of 
tea together). And how are all at home? 

tompsett. Fairish, my lord, if 'tis the horses 
you are inquiring for ? 

lord loam. No, no, the family. How 's 
the baby ? 

tompsett. Blooming, your lordship. 
lord loam. A very fine boy. I re- 
member saying so when I saw him; nice 
little fellow. 

tompsett {not quite knowing whether to lei 
it pass). Beg pardon, my lord, it *s a girl. 

lord loam. A girl ? Aha ! ha ! ha ! ex- 
actly what I said. I distinctly remember 
saying, If it 's spared it will be a girl. 
(crichton noio comes down.) 



ij THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 25 

lord loam. Very delighted to see you, 
Crichton. 

(crichton has to shake hands.) 

Mary, you know Mr. Crichton ? 

(He wanders off in search of other prey.) 

lady mary. Milk and sugar, Crichton ? 

crichton. I 'm ashamed to be seen talking 
to you, my lady. 

lady mary. To such a perfect servant as 
you all this must be most distasteful, (crich- 
ton is too respectful to answer.) Oh, please 
to speak, or I shall have to recite. You do 
hate it, don't you ? 

crichton. It pains me, your ladyship. It 
disturbs the etiquette of the servants' hall. 
After last month's meeting the pageboy, in a 
burst of equality, called me Crichton. He was 
dismissed. 

lady mary. I wonder — I really do — how 
you can remain with us. 

crichton. I should have felt compelled to 
give notice, my lady, if the master had not had 
a seat in the Upper House. I cling to that. 

lady mary. Do go on speaking. Tell me; 



26 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

what did Mr. Ernest mean by saying lie was not 
young enough to know everything ? 

crichton. I have no idea, my lady. 

lady mary. But you laughed. 

crichton. My lady, he is the second son of 
a peer. 

lady mary. Very proper sentiments. You 
are a good soul, Crichton. 

lord brocklehurst (desperately to tweeny). 
And now tell me, have you been to the Opera ? 
What sort of weather have you been having in 
the kitchen? (tweeny gurgles.) For Heaven's 
sake, woman, be articulate. 

crichton (still talking to lady mary). No, 
my lady; his lordship may compel us to be 
equal upstairs, but there will never be equality 
in the servants' hall. 

lord loam (overhearing this). What 's that? 
No equality? Can't you see, Crichton, that 
our divisions into classes are artificial, that if 
we were to return to Nature, which is the aspira- 
tion of my life, all would be equal ? 

crichton. If I may make so bold as to con- 
tradict your lordship 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 27 



lord loam (with an effort). Go on. 
crichton. The divisions into classes, my 
lord, are not artificial. They are the natural 
outcome of a civilised society. (To lady 
maryO There must always be a master and 
servants in all civilised communities, my lady, 
for it is natural, and whatever is natural is 
right. 

lord loam (wincing). It is very unnatural 
for me to stand here and allow you to talk 
such nonsense. 

crichton (eagerly). Yes, my lord, it is. 
That is what I have been striving to point out 
to your lordship. 

agatha (to Catherine). What is the matter 
with Fisher ? She is looking daggers. 

Catherine. The tedious creature; some 
question of etiquette, I suppose. 

(She sails across to fisher.) 
How are you, Fisher? 

fisher (with a toss of her head). I am 
nothing, my lady, I am nothing at all. 

agatha. Oh dear, who says so? 

fisher (affronted). His lordship has asked 



^8 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

that kitchen wench to have a second cup of 
tea. 

Catherine. But why not ? 

fisher. If it pleases his lordship to offer it 

to her before offering it to me 

agatha. So that is it. Do you want another 
cup of tea, Fisher ? 

fisher. No, my lady — but my position — I 
should have been asked first. 
agatha. Oh dear. 

(All this has taken some time, and by 
now the feeble appetites of the uncom- 
fortable guests have been satiated. But 
they know there is still another ordeal 
to face — his lordship's monthly speech. 
Every one awaits it with misgiving — the 
servants lest they should applaud, as last 
time, in the wrong place, and the daughters 
because he may be personal about them, as 
the time before, ernest is annoyed that 
there should be this speech at all when 
there is such a much better one coming, 
and brocklehurst foresees the degrada- 
tion of the peerage. All are thinking 



ij THE ADMIRABLE CR1CHT0N 29 

of themselves alone save crichton, who 
knows his master's weakness, and fears 
he may stick in the middle, lord loam, 
however, advances cheerfully to his doom. 
He sees Ernest's stool, and artfully 
stands on it, to his nephew's natural 
indignation. The three ladies knit their 
lips, the servants look down their noses, 
and the address begins.) 
lord loam. My friends, I am glad to see 
you all looking so happy. It used to be pre- 
dicted by the scoffer that these meetings would 
prove distasteful to you. Are they distasteful ? 
I hear you laughing at the question. 

{He has not heard them, but he hears 
them now, the watchful crichton giving 
them a lead.) 
No harm in saying that among us to-day is 
one who was formerly hostile to the move- 
ment, but who to-day has been won over. 
I refer to Lord Brocklehurst, who, I am 
sure, will presently say to me that if the 
charming lady now by his side has derived 
as much pleasure from his company as he 



30 THE ADMIRABLE CBICHTON [act 

has derived from hers, he will be more than 
satisfied. 

(All look at tweeny, who trembles.) 
For the time being the artificial and unnatural 
— I say unnatural (glaring at crichton, who 
bows slightly) — barriers of society are swept 
away. Would that they could be swept away 
for ever. 

(The pageboy cheers, and has the one 
moment of prominence in his life. He 
grows up, marries and has children, bat 
is never really heard of again.) 
But that is entirely and utterly out of the 
question. And now for a few months we are to 
be separated. As you know, my daughters 
and Mr. Ernest and Mr. Treherne are to 
accompany me on my yacht, on a voyage to 
distant parts of the earth. In less than forty- 
eight hours we shall be under weigh. 

{But for crichton's eye the reckless 

pageboy would repeat his success.) 

Do not think our life on the yacht is to be one 

long idle holiday. My views on the excessive 

luxury of the day are well known, and what 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CMCHTON 31 

I preach I am resolved to practise. I have 
therefore decided that my daughters, instead 
of having one maid each as at present, shall on 
this voyage have but one maid between them. 

{Three maids rise; also three mistresses.) 

ckichton. My lord ! 

lord loam. My mind is made up. 

ernest. I cordially agree. 

lord loam. And now, my friends, I should 
like to think that there is some piece of advice 
I might give you, some thought, some noble 
saying over which you might ponder in my 
absence. In this connection I remember a 
proverb, which has had a great effect on my 
own life. I first heard it many years ago. I 
have never forgotten it. It constantly cheers 
and guides me. That proverb is — that proverb 

was — the proverb I speak of 

{He grows pale and taps his forehead.) 

lady mary. Oh dear, I believe he has for- 
gotten it. 

lord loam {desperately). The proverb — 

that proverb to which I refer 

{Alas, it has gone. The distress is 



32 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

general. He has not even the sense to sit 
down. He gropes for the proverb in the 
air. They try applause, but it is no help.) 
I have it now — (not he). 

lady mary (with confidence). Crichton. 

(He does not fail her. As quietly as if 
he were in goloshes, mind as well as 
feet, he dismisses the domestics; they 
go according to precedence as they entered, 
yet, in a moment, they are gone. Then 
he signs to MR. treherne, and they 
conduct lord loam with dignity from 
the room. His hands are still catching 
flies; he still mutters, c The proverb — 
that proverb 9 ; but he continues, owing 
to crichton's skilfid treatment, to look 
every inch a peer. The ladies have now 
an opportunity to air their indignation.) 

lady mary. One maid among three grown 
women ! 

lord brocklehurst. Mary, I think I had 
better go. That dreadful kitchenmaid 

lady mary. I can't blame you, George. 
(He salutes her.) 



i] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 33 

lord brocklehurst. Your father's views 
are shocking to me, and I am glad I am not to 
be one of the party on the yacht. My respect 
for myself, Mary, my natural anxiety as to what 
mother will say. I shall see you, darling, before 
you sail. 

{He bows to the others and goes.) 

ernest. Selfish brute, only thinking of 
himself. What about my speech ? 

lady mary. One maid among three of us. 
What 's to be done ? 

ernest. Pooh ! You must do for your- 
selves, that 's all. 

lady mary. Do for ourselves. How can 
we know where our things are kept ? 

agatha. Are you aware that dresses button 
up the back ? 

Catherine. How are we to get into our 
shoes and be prepared for the carriage ? 

lady mary. Who is to put us to bed, and 
who is to get us up, and how shall we ever know 
it 's morning if there is no one to pull up the 
blinds ? 

(crichton crosses on his way out.) 



1 
34 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

ernest. How is his lordship now? 

crichton. A little easier, sir. 

lady mary. Crichton, send Fisher to me. 
(He goes.) 

ernest. I have no pity for you girls, I 

lady mary. Ernest, go away, and don't 
insult the broken-hearted. 

ernest. And uncommon glad I am to go. 
Ta-ta, all o- you. He asked me to say a few 
words. I came here to say a few words, and 
I 'm not at all sure that I couldn't bring an 
action against him. 

(He departs, feeling that he has left a 
dart behind him. The girls are alone 
zoith their tragic thoughts.) 

lady mary (become a mother to the younger 
ones at last) . My poor sisters, come here. ( They 
go to her doubtfully.) We must make this draw 
us closer together. I shall do my best to help 
you in every way. Just now I cannot think 
of myself at all. 

agatha. But how unlike you, Mary. 

lady mary. It is my duty to protect my 
sisters. 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 35 

Catherine. I never knew her so sweet 
before, Agatha. (Cautiously.) What do you 
propose to do, Mary ? 

lady mary. I propose when we are on the 
yacht to lend Fisher to you when I don't need 
her myself. 

agatha. Fisher ? 

lady mary (who has the most character 
of the three). Of course, as the eldest, I have 
decided that it is my maid we shall take with us. 

Catherine {speaking also for ag atha) . Mary, 
you toad. 

agatha. Nothing on earth would induce 
Fisher to lift her hand for either me or 
Catherine. 

lady mary. I was afraid of it, Agatha. 
That is why I am so sorry for you. 

(The further exchange of pleasantries is 
interrupted by the arrival of fisher.) 

lady mary. Fisher, you heard what his 
lordship said ? 

fisher. Yes, my lady. 

lady mary (coldly, though the others would 
have tried blandishment). You have given me 



36 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

some satisfaction of late, Fisher, and to mark 
my approval I have decided that you shall 
be the maid who accompanies us. 

fisher {acidly). I thank you, my lady. 
lady mary. That is all; you may go. 
fisher {rapping it out). If you please, my 
lady, I wish to give notice. 

(Catherine and agatha gleam, but lady 
mary is of sterner stuff.) 
lady mary {taking up a book). Oh, certainly 
—you may go. 

Catherine. But why, Fisher ? 
fisher. I could not undertake, my lady, 
to wait upon three. We don't do it. {In an 
indignant outburst to lady mary.) Oh, my 

lady, to think that this affront 

lady mary {looking up). I thought I told 
you to go, Fisher. 

(fisher stands for a moment irresolute; 
then goes. As soon as she has gone 
lady mary puts down her book and 
weeps. She is a pretty woman, but this 
is the only pretty thing we have seen her 
do yet.) 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 37 

agatha {succinctly). Serves you right. 
(crichton comes.) 

Catherine. It will be Simmons after all. 
Send Simmons to me. 

crichton {after hesitating). My lady, might 
I venture to speak ? 

Catherine. What is it ? 

crichton. I happen to know, your ladyship, 
that Simmons desires to give notice for the same 
reason as Fisher. 

CATHERINE. Oh ! 

agatha {triumphant). Then, Catherine, we 
take Jeanne. 

crichton. And Jeanne also, my lady. 

(lady mary is reading, indifferent though 

the heavens fall, but her sisters are not 

ashamed to show their despair to crichton.) 

agatha. We can't blame them. Could any 

maid who respected herself be got to wait upon 

three ? 

lady mary {with languid interest). I suppose 
there are such persons, Crichton ? 

crichton (guardedly). I have heard, my 
lady, that there are such. 



38 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary (a little desperate). Crichton, 
what's to be done? We sail in two days; 
could one be discovered in the time ? 

agatha {frankly a supplicant). Surely you 
can think of some one ? 

crichton (after hesitating). There is in 
this establishment, your ladyship, a young 
woman 

LADY MARY. Yes ? 

crichton. A young woman, on whom I 
have for some time cast an eye. 

Catherine (eagerly). Do you mean as a 
possible lady's-maid ? 

crichton. I had thought of her, my lady, 
in another connection. 

LADY MARY. Ah ! 

crichton. But I believe she is quite the 
young person you require. Perhaps if you 
could see her, my lady 

lady mary. I shall certainly see her. 
Bring her to me. (He goes.) You two needn't 
wait. 

Catherine. Needn't we? We see your 
little game, Mary. 



i] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 89 

agatha. We shall certainly remain and 
have our two-thirds of her. 

{They sit there doggedly until crichton 
returns with tweeny, who looks scared.) 
crichton. This, my lady, is the young 
person. 

Catherine (frankly). Oh dear! 

(It is evident that all three consider her 
quite unsuitable.) 
lady mary. Come here, girl. Don't be 
afraid. 

(tweeny looks imploringly at her idol.) 

crichton. Her appearance, my lady, is 

homely, and her manners, as you may have 

observed, deplorable, but she has a heart of 

gold. 

lady mary. What is your position down- 
stairs ? 

tweeny (bobbing). I 'm a tweeny, your 
ladyship. 

CATHERINE. A what? 

crichton. A tweeny; that is to say, my 
lady, she is not at present, strictly speaking, 
anything; a between maid; she helps the 



40 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

vegetable maid. It is she, my lady, who conveys 
the dishes from the one end of the kitchen table, 
where they are placed by the cook, to the other 
end, where they enter into the charge of Thomas 
and John. 

lady mary. I see. And you and Crichton 
are — ah — keeping company ? 

(crichton draws himself up.) 

tweeny (aghast). A butler don't keep com- 
pany, my lady. 

lady mary (indifferently). Does he not? 

crichton. No, your ladyship, we butlers 
may — (he makes a gesture with his arms) — but 
we do not keep company. 

agatha. I know what it is; you are 
engaged ? 

(tweeny looks longingly at crichton.) 

crichton. Certainly not, my lady. The 
utmost I can say at present is that I have cast 
a favourable eye. 

(Even this is much to tweeny.) 

lady mary. As you choose. But I am 
afraid, Crichton, she will not suit us. 

crichton. My lady, beneath this simple 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 41 

exterior are concealed a very sweet nature and 
rare womanly gifts. 

agatha. Unfortunately, that is not what we 
want. 

crichton. And it is she, my lady, who dresses 
the hair of the ladies'-maids for our evening meals . 
( The ladies are interested at last.) 

lady mary. She dresses Fisher's hair ? 

tweeny. Yes, my lady, and I does them up 
when they goes to parties. 

crichton {pained, but not scolding). Does! 

tweeny. Doos. And it 's me what alters 
your gowns to fit them. 

crichton. What alters ! 

tweeny. Which alters. 

agatha. Mary ? 

lady mary. I shall certainly have her. 

Catherine. We shall certainly have her. 
Tweeny, we have decided to make a lady's-maid 
of you, 

tweeny. Oh lawks ! 

agatha. We are doing this for you so that 
your position socially may be more nearly akin 
to that of Crichton. 



42 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

crichton {gravely). It will undoubtedly in- 
crease the young person's chances. 

lady mary. Then if I get a good character 
for you from Mrs. Perkins, she will make the 
necessary arrangements. 

(She resumes reading.) 

tweeny (elated). My lady ! 

lady mary. By the way, I hope you are a 
good sailor. 

tweeny (startled). You don't mean, my 
lady, I 'm to go on the ship ? 

lady mary. Certainly. 

tweeny. But — (To crichton.) You ain't 
going, sir? 

crichton. No. 

tweeny (firm at last). Then neither 
ain't I. 

AGATHA. YOU must. 

tweeny. Leave him ! Not me. 
lady mary. Girl, don't be silly. Crichton 
will be — considered in your wages. 
tweeny. I ain't going. 
crichton. I feared this, my lady. 
tweeny. Nothing '11 budge me. 



i.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 43 

lady mary. Leave the room. 

(crichton shows tweeny out with marked 
politeness.) 

agatha. Crichton, I think you might have 
shown more displeasure with her. 

crichton (contrite). I was touched, my lady. 
I see, my lady, that to part from her would be a 
wrench to me, though I could not well say so 
in her presence, not having yet decided how 
far I shall go with her. 

(He is about to go when lord loam returns, 
fuming.) 

lord loam. The ingrate ! The smug ! The fop ! 

Catherine. What is it now, father ? 

lord loam. That man of mine, Rolleston, 
refuses to accompany us because you are to 
have but one maid. 

agatha. Hurrah ! 

lady mary (in better taste). Darling father, 
rather than you should lose Rolleston, we will 
consent to take all the three of them. 

lord loam. Pooh, nonsense ! Crichton, find 
me a valet who can do without three maids. 

crichton. Yes, my lord. (Troubled.) In the 



44 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

time — the more suitable the party, my lord, the 
less willing will he be to come without the — the 
usual perquisites. 

lord loam. Any one will do. 

crichton {shocked). My lord ! 

lord loam. The ingrate ! The puppy ! 

(agatha has an idea, and whispers to 

LADY MARY.) 

lady mary. I ask a favour of a servant ? — 
never ! 

agatha. Then I will. Crichton, would it 
not be very distressing to you to let his lordship 
go, attended by a valet who might prove un- 
worthy? It is only for three months; don't 
you think that you — you yourself — you 

(As crichton sees what she wants he 

pulls himself up with noble, offended 

dignity, and she is appalled.) 
I beg your pardon. 

(He bows stiffly.) 
Catherine (to crichton). But think of the 
joy to Tweeny. 

(crichton is moved, but he shakes his 

head.) 



ij THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 45 

lady mary (so much the cleverest). Crich- 
ton, do you think it safe to let the master 
you love go so far away without you 
while he has these dangerous views about 
equality ? 

(crichton is profoundly stirred. After 
a struggle he goes to his master, who 
has been pacing the room.) 
crichton. My lord, I have found a man. 
lord loam. Already ? Who is he ? 

(crichton presents himself with a ges- 
ture.) 
Yourself ? 

Catherine. Father, how good of him. 
lord loam (pleased, but thinking it a 
small thing). Uncommon good. Thank you, 
Crichton. This helps me nicely out of a hole; 
and how it will annoy Rolleston ! Come with 
me, and we shall tell him. Not that I think 
you have lowered yourself in any way. Come 
along. 

(He goes, and crichton is to follow him, 
but is stopped by agatha impulsively 
offering him her hand.) 



46 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

crichton (who is much shaken). My lady — 
a valet's hand ! 

agatha. I had no idea you would feel it so 
deeply; why did you do it? 

(crichton is too respectful to reply.) 

lady mary (regarding him). Crichton, I am 
curious. I insist upon an answer. 

crichton. My lady, I am the son of a butler 
and a lady's-maid — perhaps the happiest of all 
combinations, and to me the most beautiful 
thing in the world is a haughty, aristocratic 
English house, with every one kept in his 
place. Though I were equal to your lady- 
ship, where would be the pleasure to me? 
It would be counterbalanced by the pain 
of feeling that Thomas and John were equal 
to me. 

Catherine. But father says if we were to 
return to Nature 

crichton. If we did, my lady, the first 
thing we should do would be to elect a head. 
Circumstances might alter cases; the same 
person might not be master; the same persons 
might not be servants. I can't say as to that, 



ij THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 47 

nor should we have the deciding of it. Nature 
would decide for us. 

lady mary. You seem to have thought it 
all out carefully, Crichton. 

crichton. Yes, my lady. 

Catherine. And you have done this for us, 
Crichton, because you thought that — that father 
needed to be kept in his place ? 

crichton. I should prefer you to say, my 
lady, that I have done it for the house. 

agatha. Thank you, Crichton. Mary, be 
nicer to him. (But lady mary has begun to 
read again.) If there was any way in which we 
could show our gratitude. 

crichton. If I might venture, my lady, 
would you kindly show it by becoming 
more like Lady Mary. That disdain is 
what we like from our superiors. Even so 
do we, the upper servants, disdain the lower 
servants, while they take it out of the odds 
and ends. 

(He goes, and they bury themselves in 
cushions.) 

agatha. Oh dear, what a tiring day. 



48 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act i. 

Catherine. I feel dead. Tuck in your feet, 
you selfish thing. 

(lady mart is lying reading on another 
couch.) 
lady mary. I wonder what he meant by 
circumstances might alter cases. 

agatha (yawning). Don't talk, Mary, I was 
nearly asleep. 

lady mary. I wonder what he meant by 
the same person might not be master, and the 
same persons might not be servants. 

Catherine. Do be quiet, Mary, and leave it 
to Nature; he said Nature would decide. 

lady mary. I wonder- 

(But she does not wonder very much. 
She would wonder more if she knew 
what was coming. Her book slips un- 
regarded to the floor. TJie ladies are at 
rest until it is time to dress.) 

End of Act L 



ACT II 



ACT II 
THE ISLAND 

Two months have elapsed, and the scene is a desert 
island in the Pacific, on which our adventurers have 
been wrecked. 

The curtain rises on a sea of bamboo, which shuts 
out all vieiv save the foliage of palm trees and some 
gaunt rocks. Occasionally Crichton and Treherne 
come momentarily into sight, hacking and hewing the 
bamboo, through which they are making a clearing 
between the ladies and the shore; and by and by, 
owing to their efforts, we shall have an unrestricted 
outlook on to a sullen sea that is at present hidden. 
Then we shall also be able to note a mast standing out 
of the water — all that is left, saving floating wreckage, 
of the ill-fated yacht the Bluebell. The beginnings of 
a hut will also be seen, with Crichton driving its walls 
into the ground or astride its roof of saplings, for at 
present he is doing more than one thing at a time. In 
a red shirt, with the ends of his sailor's breeches thrust 
into wading-boots, he looks a man for the moment; we 

51 



52 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

suddenly remember some one's saying — perhaps it was 
ourselves — that a cataclysm would be needed to get him 
out of his servant's clothes, and apparently it has been 
forthcoming. It is no longer beneath our dignity to 
cast an inquiring eye on his appearance. His features 
are not distinguished, but he has a strong jaw and 
green eyes, in which a yellow light burns that we 
have not seen before. His dark hair, hitherto so 
decorously sleek, has been ruffled this way and that by 
wind and weather, as if they were part of the cata- 
clysm and wanted to help his chance. His muscles 
must be soft and flabby still, but though they shriek 
aloud to him to desist, he rains lusty blows with his 
axe, like one who has come upon the open for the first 
time in his life, and likes it. He is as yet far from 
being an expert woodsman — mark the blood on his 
hands at places where he has hit them instead of the 
tree; but note also that he does not waste time in 
bandaging them — he rubs them in the earth and goes on. 
His face is still of tlie discreet pallor that befits a 
butler, and he carries the smaller logs as if they were a 
salver; not in a day or a month will he shake off the 
badge of servitude, but without knowing it he has 
begun. 

But for the hatchets at work, and an occasional 
something horrible falling from a tree into the ladies' 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 53 

laps, they hear nothing save the mournful surf breaking 
on a coral shore. 

They sit or recline huddled together against a rock, 
and they are farther from, home, in every sense of the 
word, than ever before. Thirty-six hours ago, they 
were given three minutes in which to dress, without a 
maid, and reach the boats, and they have not made the 
best of that valuable time. None of them has boots, 
and had they known this prickly island they would 
have thought first of boots. They have a sufficiency 
of garments, but some of them were gifts dropped 
into the boat — Lady Mary's tarpaulin coat and hat, 
for instance, and Catherines blue jersey and red cap, 
which certify that the tivo ladies were lately before 
the mast. Agatha is too gay in Ernest's dressing- 
gown, and clutches it to her person with both hands 
as if afraid that it may be claimed by its rightful 
owner. There are two pairs of bath slippers between 
the three of them, and their hair cries aloud and in 
vain for hairpins. 

By their side, on an inverted bucket, sits Ernest, 
clothed neatly in the garments of day and night, but, 
alas, bare-footed. He is the only cheerful member of 
this company of four, but his brightness is due less to 
a manly desire to succour the helpless than to his 
having been lately in the throes of composition, and to 



54 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

his modest satisfaction with the result. He reads to 
the ladies, and they listen, each with one scared eye to 
the things that fall from trees. 

ernest {who has written on the fly-leaf of the 
only book saved from the wreck). This is what 
I have written. ' Wrecked, wrecked, wrecked ! 
on an island in the Tropics, the following: 
the Hon. Ernest Woolley, the Rev. John 
Treherne, the Ladies Mary, Catherine, and 
Agatha Lasenby, with two servants. We are 
the sole survivors of Lord Loam's steam yacht 
Bluebell, which encountered a fearful gale in 
these seas, and soon became a total wreck. 
The crew behaved gallantly, putting us all 
into the first boat. What became of them I 
cannot tell, but we, after dreadful sufferings, 
and insufficiently clad, in whatever garments 
we could lay hold of in the dark' — — 

lady mary. Please don't describe our gar- 
ments. 

ernest. — 'succeeded in reaching this island, 
with the loss of only one of our party, 
namely, Lord Loam, who flung away his life in 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 55 

a gallant attempt to save a servant who had 
fallen overboard.' 

(The ladies have wept long and sore for 
their father, but there is something in 
this last utterance that makes them look 
up.) 

agatha. But, Ernest, it was Crichton who 
jumped overboard trying to save father. 

ernest (with the candour that is one of his 
most engaging qualities). Well, you know, it 
was rather silly of uncle to fling away his life 
by trying to get into the boat first; and as 
this document may be printed in the English 
papers, it struck me, an English peer, you 
know 

lady mary (every inch an English peeVs 
daughter). Ernest, that is very thoughtful 
of you. 

ernest (continuing, well pleased). — 'By 
night the cries of wild cats and the hissing of 
snakes terrify us extremely ' — (this does not 
satisfy him so well, and he makes a correction) — 
'terrify the ladies extremely. Against these 
we have no weapons except one cutlass and a 



50 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

hatchet. A bucket washed ashore is at present 

our only comfortable seat' 

lady mary {with some spirit). And Ernest 
is sitting on it. 

ernest. H'sh! Oh, do be quiet. — 'To 
add to our horrors, night falls suddenly in these 
parts, and it is then that savage animals begin 
to prowl and roar.' 

lady mary. Have you said that vampire 

bats suck the blood from our toes as we sleep ? 

ernest. No, that \s all. I end up, 'Rescue 

us or we perish. Rich reward. Signed Ernest 

Woolley, in command of our little party.' This 

is written on a leaf taken out of a book of poems 

that Crichton found in his pocket. Fancy 

Crichton being a reader of poetry. Now I shall 

put it into the bottle and fling it into the sea. 

{He pushes the precious document into 

a soda-water bottle, and rams the cork 

home. At the same moment, and without 

effort, he gives birth to one of his most 

characteristic epigrams.) 

The tide is going out, we mustn't miss the 

post. 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 57 

(They are so unhappy that they fail to 
grasp it, and a little petulantly he calls 
for crichton, ever his stand-by in the hour 
of epigram, crichton breaks through 
the undergrowth quickly, thinking the 
ladies are in danger.) 
crichton. Anything wrong, sir? 
ernest (with fine confidence). The tide, 
Crichton, is a postman who calls at our island 
twice a day for letters. 

crichton (after a pause) . Thank you, sir. 
(He returns to his labours, Jwwever, without 
giving the smile which is the epigram- 
matist's right, and ernest is a little dis- 
appointed in him.) 
ernest. Poor Crichton ! I sometimes think 
he is losing his sense of humour. Come along, 
Agatha. 

(He helps his favourite up the rocks, and 
they disappear gingerly from view.) 
Catherine. How horribly still it is. 
lady mary (remembering some recent sounds). 
It is best when it is still. 

Catherine (drawing closer to her). Mary, I 



58 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

have heard that they are always very still just 
before they jump. 

lady mary. Don't. (A distinct chopping 
is heard, and they are startled.) 

lady mary (controlling herself). It is only 
Crichton knocking down trees. 

Catherine (almost imploringly). Mary, let 
us go and stand beside him. 

lady mary (coldly). Let a servant see that 
I am afraid ! 

Catherine. Don't, then; but remember 
this, dear, they often drop on one from 
above. 

(She moves away, nearer to the friendly 
sound of the axe, and lady mary is 
left alone. She is the most courageous 
of them as well as the haughtiest, but 
when something she had thought to be 
a stick glides toward her, she forgets her 
dignity and screams.) 
lady mary (calling) . Crichton, Crichton ! 
(It must have been treherne who was 
tree-felling, for crichton comes to her 
from the hut, drawing his cutlass.) 



iij THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 59 

crichton (anxious). Did you call, my lady ? 
lady mary (herself again, now that he is 
there). I! Why should I? 

crichton. I made a mistake, your ladyship. 
(Hesitating.) If you are afraid of being alone, 

my lady 

lady mary. Afraid ! Certainly not. (Dog- 
gedly.) You may go. 

(But she does not complain when he re- 
mains within eyesight cutting the bamboo. 
It is heavy work, and she watches him 
silently.) 
lady mary. I wish, Crichton, you could 
work without getting so hot. 

crichton (mopping his face). I wish I could, 
my lady. 

(He continues his labours.) 
lady mary (taking off her oilskins) . It makes 
me hot to look at you. 

crichton. It almost makes me cool to look 
at your ladyship. 

lady mary (who perhaps thinks he is presum- 
ing). Anything I can do for you in that way, 
Crichton, I shall do with pleasure. 



CO THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

crichton (quite humbly) . Thank you, my lady . 

(By this time most of the bamboo has 

been cut, and the shore and sea are visible, 

except where they are hidden by the half 

completed hut The mast rising solitary 

from the water adds to the desolation of 

the scene, and at last tears run down lady 

mary's face.) 

crichton. Don't give way, my lady, things 

might be worse. 

lady mary. My poor father. 
crichton. If I could have given my life for 
his. 

lady mary. You did all a man could do. 

Indeed I thank you, Crichton. (With some 

admiration and more wonder.) You are a man. 

crichton. Thank you, my lady. 

lady mary. But it is all so awful. Crichton, 

is there any hope of a ship coming ? 

crichton (after hesitation). Of course there 
is, my lady. 

lady mary (facing him bravely). Don't 
treat me as a child. I have got to know the 
worst, and to face it. Crichton, the truth. 



iij THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 61 



crichton (reluci jntly) . We were driven out 
of our course, my lady; I fear far from the 
track of commerce. 

lady mary. Thank you; I understand. 

(For a moment, however, she breaks down. 
Then she clenches her hands and stands 
erect.) 
crichton (watching her, and forgetting per- 
haps for the moment that they are not just a 
man and woman). You 're a good pluckt 'un, 
my lady. 

lady mary (falling into the same error). I 
shall try to be. (Extricating herself.) Crichton, 
how dare you ? 

crichton. I beg your ladyship's pardon; 
but you are. 

'(She smiles, as if it were a comfort to be 
told this even by crichton.) 
And until a ship comes we are three men who 
are going to do our best for you ladies. 

lady mary (with a curl of the lip). Mr. 
Ernest does no work. 

crichton (cheerily). But he will, my lady. 

LADY MARY. I doubt it. 



62 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

crichton {confidently, but perhaps thought- 
lessly). No work — no dinner — will make a 
great change in Mr. Ernest. 

lady mary. No work — no dinner. When 
did you invent that rule, Crichton ? 

crichton (loaded with bamboo). I didn't 
invent it, my lady. I seem to see it growing 
all over the island. 

lady mary (disquieted) . Crichton, your man- 
ner strikes me as curious. 

crichton (pained) . I hope not, your ladyship. 

lady mary (determined to have it out with 
him). You are not implying anything so 
unnatural, I presume, as that if I and my 
sisters don't work there will be no dinner for 
us? 

crichton (brightly). If it is unnatural, my 
lady, that is the end of it. 

lady mary. If? Now I understand. The 
perfect servant at home holds that we are all 
equal now. I see. 

crichton (wounded to the quick). My lady, 
can you think me so inconsistent ? 

lady mary. That is it. 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 63 

crichton (earnestly) . My lady, I disbelieved 
in equality at home because it was against 
nature, and for that same reason I as utterly 
disbelieve in it on an island. 

lady mary {relieved by his obvious sincerity). 

I apologise. 

crichton (continuing unfortunately). There 
must always, my lady, be one to command and 
others to obey. 

lady mary (satisfied). One to command, 
others to obey. Yes. (Then suddenly she 
realises that there may be a dire meaning in his 
confident words.) Crichton ! 

crichton (who has intended no dire meaning). 
What is it, my lady ? 

(But she only stares into his face and then 
hurries from him. Left alone he is puzzled, 
but being a practical man he busies himself 
gathering firewood, until tweeny appears 
excitedly carrying cocoa-nuts in her skirt. 
She has made better use than the ladies of 
her three minutes 9 grace for dressing.) 
tweeny (who can be happy even on an island 
if crichton is with her) . Look what I found. 



64 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

crichton. Cocoa-nuts. Bravo ! 

tweeny. They grows on trees. 

crichton. Where did you think they 
grew ? 

tweeny. I thought as how they grew in rows 
on top of little sticks. 

crichton {wrinkling his brows). Oh Tweeny, 
Tweeny ! 

tweeny (anxiously). Have I offended of 
your feelings again, sir ? 

crichton. A little. 

tweeny (in a despairing outburst). I 'm 
full o' vulgar words and ways; and though I 
may keep them in their holes when you are by, 
as soon as I 'm by myself out they comes in a 
rush like beetles when the house is dark. I 
says them gloating-like, in my head — 'Blooming' 
I says, and 'All my eye,' and 'Ginger,' and 
'Nothink'; and all the time we was being 
wrecked I was praying to myself, 'Please the 
Lord it may be an island as it 's natural to be 
vulgar on.' 

(A shudder passes through crichton, 
and she is abject.) 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 65 

That 's the kind I am, sir. I 'm 'opeless. 
You 'd better give me up. 

(She is a pathetic, forlorn creature, and 
his manhood is stirred.) 
crichton (wondering a little at himself for 
saying it). I won't give you up. It is strange 
that one so common should attract one so 
fastidious; but so it is. (Thoughtfully.) There 
is something about you, Tweeny, there is a je ne 
sais quoi about you. 

tweeny (knowing only that he has found 
something in her to commend) . Is there, is there ? 
Oh, I am glad. 

crichton (putting his hand on her shoulder like 
a protector). We shall fight your vulgarity 
together. (All this time he has been arranging 
sticks for his fire.) Now get some dry grass. 

(She brings him grass, and he puts it under 

the sticks. He produces an odd lens from 

his pocket, and tries to focus the sun's 

rays.) 

tweeny. Why, what 's that? 

crichton (the ingenious creature). That 's 

the glass from my watch and one from Mr. 



66 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

Treherne's, with a little water between them. 
I 'm hoping to kindle a fire with it. 
tweeny {properly impressed) . Oh sir ! 

{After one failure the grass takes fire, 
and they are blowing on it when excited 
cries near by bring them sharply to their 
feet, agatha runs to them, white of face, 
followed by ernest.) 
ernest. Danger ! Crichton, a tiger-cat ! 
crichton {getting his cutlass). Where? 
agatha. It is at our heels. 
ernest. Look out, Crichton. 
crichton. H'sh ! 

(treherne comes to his assistance, while 

LADY MARY and CATHERINE join AGATHA 

in the hut.) 

ernest. It will be on us in a moment. 

{He seizes the hatchet and guards the 
hut. It is pleasing to see that ernest 
is no coward.) 

treherne. Listen ! 

ernest. The grass is moving. It 's coming. 
{It comes. But it is no tiger-cat; it is 
lord loam crawling on his hands and 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 67 

knees, a very exhausted and dishevelled 
peer, wondrously attired in rags. The 
girls see him, and with glad cries rush 
into his arms.) 

lady mary. Father. 

lord loam. Mary — Catherine — Agatha. Oh 
dear, my dears, my dears, oh dear ! 

lady mary. Darling. 

agatha. Sweetest. 

CATHERINE. Love. 

treherne. *Glad to see you, sir. 
ernest. Uncle, uncle, dear old uncle. 

(For a time such happy cries fill the air, 
but presently treherne is thoughtless.) 
treherne. Ernest thought you were a 
tiger-cat. 

lord loam (stung somehow to the quick). Oh, 
did you? I knew you at once, Ernest; I 
knew you by the way you ran. 

(ernest smiles forgivingly.) 
crichton (venturing forward at last). My 
lord, I am glad. 

ernest (with upraised finger) . But you are 
also idling, Crichton. (Making himself com- 



68 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

fortable on the ground.) We mustn't waste 
time. To work, to work. 

crichton (after contemplating him without 
rancour). Yes, sir. 

(He gets a pot from the hut and hangs it 
on a tripod over the fire, which is now 
burning brightly.) 
treherne. Ernest, you be a little more civil. 
Crichton, let me help. 

(He is soon busy helping crichton to 
add to the strength of the hut.) 
lord loam (gazing at the pot as ladies are 
said to gaze on precious stones). Is that — but 
I suppose I 'm dreaming again. (Timidly.) 
It isn't by any chance a pot on top of a fire, 
is it? 

lady mary. Indeed, it is 9 dearest. It is 
our supper. 

lord loam. I have been dreaming of a pot 
on a fire for two days. (Quivering.) There *s 
nothing in it, is there ? 

ernest. Sniff, uncle, (lord loam sniffs.) 
lord loam (reverently). It smells of onions! 
(There is a sudden diversion.) 



ii] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 



Catherine. Father, you have boots ! 

lady mary. So he has. 

lord loam. Of course I have. 

ernest {with greedy cunning). You are 
actually wearing boots, uncle. It 's very unsafe, 
you know, in this climate. 

LORD LOAM. Is it ? 

ernest. We have all abandoned them, you 
observe. The blood, the arteries, you know. 

lord loam. I hadn't a notion. 

{He holds out his feet, and ernest kneels.) 

ernest. O Lord, yes. 

{In another moment those boots will be 
his.) 

lady mary {quickly). Father, he is trying to 
get your boots from you. There is nothing in 
the world we wouldn't give for boots. 

ernest {rising haughtily, a proud spirit 
misunderstood). I only wanted the loan of 
them. 

agatha {running her fingers along them 
lovingly). If you lend them to any one, it will 
be to us, won't it, father. 

lord loam. Certainly, my child. 



70 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

ernest. Oh, very well. {He is leaving 
these selfish ones.) I don't want your old boots. 
{He gives his uncle a last chance.) You don't 
think you could spare me one boot ? 

lord loam {tartly) . I do not. 

ernest. Quite so. Well, all I can say is 
I 'm sorry for you. 

{He departs to recline elsewhere.) 

lady mary. Father, we thought we should 
never see you again. 

lord loam. I was washed ashore, my dear, 
clinging to a hencoop. How awful that first 
night was. 

lady mary. Poor father. 

lord loam. When I woke, I wept. Then 
I began to feel extremely hungry. There was 
a large turtle on the beach. I remembered 
from the Swiss Family Robinson that if you 
turn a turtle over he is helpless. My dears, I 
crawled towards him, I flung myself upon him 
— {here he pauses to rub his leg) — the nasty, 
spiteful brute. 

lady mary. You didn't turn him over ? 

lord loam {vi?idictively , though he is a kindly 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 71 

man) . Mary, the senseless thing wouldn't wait ; 
I found that none of them would wait. 

Catherine. We should have been as badly 
off if Crichton hadn't 

lady mary {quickly) . Don't praise Crichton. 

lord loam. And then those beastly monkeys, 
I always understood that if you flung stones at 
them they would retaliate by flinging cocoa-nuts 
at you. Would you believe it, I flung a hundred 
stones, and not one monkey had sufficient 
intelligence to grasp my meaning. How I 
longed for Crichton. 

lady mary {wincing). For us also, father? 

lord loam. For you also. I tried for hours 
to make a fire. The authors say that when 
wrecked on an island you can obtain a light by 
rubbing two pieces of stick together. (With 
feeling.) T*he liars ! 

lady mary. And all this time you thought 
there was no one on the island but yourself ? 

lord loam. I thought so until this morning. 
I was searching the pools for little fishes, which I 
caught in my hat, when suddenly I saw before 
me — on the sand 



72 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

CATHERINE. What ? 

lord loam. A hairpin. 

lady mary. A hairpin ! It must be one of 
ours. Give it me, father. 

agatha. No, it 's mine. 

lord loam. I didn't keep it. 

lady mary (speaking for all three). Didn't 
keep it? Found a hairpin on an island, and 
didn't keep it ? 

lord loam (humbly). My dears. 

agatha (scarcely to be placated). Oh father, 
we have returned to nature more than you 
bargained for. 

lady mary. For shame, Agatha. (She has 
something on her mind.) Father, there is some- 
thing I want you to do at once — I mean to assert 
your position as the chief person on the island. 
(They are all surprised) 

lord loam. But who would presume to 
question it ? 

Catherine. She must mean Ernest. 

LADY MARY. Must I ? 

agatha. It 's cruel to say anything against 
Ernest. 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 73 

lord loam {firmly). If any one presumes to 
challenge my position, I shall make short work 
of him. 

agatha. Here comes Ernest; now see if 
you can say these horrid things to his face. 

lord loam. I shall teach him his place at 
once. 

lady mary (anxiously). But how? 

lord loam (chuckling). I have just thought 
of an extremely amusing way of doing it. (,4s 
ernest approaches.) Ernest. 

ernest (loftily). Excuse me, uncle, I 'm 
thinking. I 'm planning out the building of 
this hut. 

lord loam. I also have been thinking. 

ernest. That don't matter. 

LORD LOAM. Eh ? 

ernest. Please, please, this is important. 

lord loam. I have been thinking that I 
ought to give you my boots. 

ernest. What ! 

lady mary. Father. 

lord loam (genially). Take them, my boy. 
(With a rapidity we had not thought him capable 



74 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

of, ernest hecomes the wearer of the boots.) And 
now I dare say you want to know why I give 
them to you, Ernest ? 

ernest (moving up and down in them de- 
liriously) . Not at all. The great thing is, * I 've 
got 'em, I 've got 'em.' 

lord loam (majestically, but with a knowing 
look at his daughters). My reason is that, as 
head of our little party, you, Ernest, shall 
be our hunter, you shall clear the forests 
of those savage beasts that make them so 
dangerous. (Pleasantly.) And now you know, 
my dear nephew, why I have given you my 
boots. 

ernest. This is my answer. 
(He kicks off the boots.) 

lady mary (still anxious). Father, assert 
yourself. 

lord loam. I shall now assert myself. 
(But how to do it? He has a happy thought.) 
Call Crichton. 

lady mary. Oh father. 

(crichton comes in answer to a summons, 
and is followed by treherne.) 



iij THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 75 

Ernest {wondering a little at lady mart's 
grave face). Crichton, look here. 

lord loam (sturdily) . Silence ! Crichton, I 
want your advice as to w ; iat I ought to do with 
Mr. Ernest. He has de'ied me. 

ernest. Pooh ! 

crichton (after considering). May I speak 
openly, my lord? 

lady mary (keeping her eyes fixed on him). 
That is what we desire. 

crichton (quite humbly). Then I may say, 
your lordship, that I have been considering 
Mr. Ernest's case at odd moments ever since 
we were wrecked. 

ernest. My case? 

lord loam (sternly). Hush. 

crichton. Since we landed on the island, 
my lord, it seems to me that Mr. Ernest's 
epigrams have been particularly brilliant. 

ernest (gratified) . Thank you, Crichton. 

crichton. But I find — I seem to find it 
growing wild, my lord, in the woods, that say- 
ings which would be justly admired in England 
are not much use on an island. I would 



76 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

therefore most respectfully propose that hence- 
forth every time Mr. Ernest favours us with 
an epigram his head should be immersed in a 
bucket of cold spring water. 

{There is a terrible silence.) 

lord loam {uneasily). Serve him right. 

ernest. I should like to see you try to 
do it, uncle. 

crichton {ever ready to come to the succour of 
his lordship). My feeling, my lord, is that 
at the next offence I should convey him to 
a retired spot, where I shall carry out the 
undertaking in as respectful a manner as is 
consistent with a thorough immersion. 

{Though his manner is most respectful, 
he is firm; he evidently means what he 
says.) 

lady mary {a ramrod). Father, you must 
not permit this; Ernest is your nephew. 

lord loam {with his hand to his brow). 
After all, he is my nephew, Crichton; and, 
as I am sure, he now sees that I am a strong 
man 

ernest {foolishly in the circumstances). A 



ii] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 77 

strong man. You mean a stout man. You 

are one of mind to two of matter. 

(He looks round in the old way for ap- 
proval. No one has smiled, and to his 
consternation he sees that crichton 
is quietly turning up his sleeves. 
ernest makes an appealing gesture to 
his uncle; then he turns defiantly to 

CRICHTON.) 

crichton. Is it to be before the ladies, 
Mr. Ernest, or in the privacy of the wood? 
(He fixes ernest with his eye. ernest is 
cowed.) Come. 

ernest (affecting bravado). Oh, all right. 

crichton (succinctly). Bring the bucket. 
(ernest hesitates. He then lifts the 
bucket and follows ckichton to the nearest 
spring.) 

lord loam (rather white). I 'm sorry for 
him, but I had to be firm. 

lady mary. Oh father, it wasn't vou who 
was firm. Crichton did it himself. 

lord loam. Bless me, so he did. 

lady mary. Father, be strong. 



78 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lord loam {bewildered). You can't mean 
that my faithful Crichton 

LADY MARY. Yes, I do. 

treherne. Lady Mary, I stake my word 
that Crichton is incapable of acting dis- 
honourably. 

lady mary. I know that; I know it as 
well as you. Don't you see that that is what 
makes him so dangerous ? 

treherne. By Jove, I — I believe I catch 
your meaning. 

Catherine. He is coming back. 

lord loam (who has always known himself 
to be a man of ideas). Let us all go into the 
hut, just to show him at once that it is our 
hut. 

lady mary (as they go). Father, I implore 
you, assert yourself now and for ever. 

LORD LOAM. I will. 

lady mary. ■ And, please, don't ask him 
how you are to do it 

(crichton returns with sticks to mend 
the fire.) 
lord loam (loftily, from the door of the 



el] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 79 

hut). Have you carried out my instructions, 
Crichton ? 

crichton (deferentially). Yes, my lord. 

(ernest appears, mopping his hair, 
which has become very wet since we last 
saw him. He is not bearing malice, he 
is too busy drying, but agatha is specially 
his champion.) 
agatha. It 's infamous, infamous. 
lord loam (strongly). My orders, Agatha. 
lady mary. Now, father, please. 
lord loam (striking an attitude). Before I 

give you any further orders, Crichton 

crichton. Yes, my lord. 
lord loam (delighted) . Pooh ! It 's all 
right. 

lady mary. No. Please go on. 
lord loam. Well, well. This question of 
the leadership; what do you think now, 
Crichton ? 

crichton. My lord, I feel it is a matter 
with which I have nothing to do. 

lord loam. Excellent. Ha, Mary? That 
settles it, I think. 



80 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary. It seems to, but — I 'm not sure. 

crichton. It will settle itself naturally, 
my lord, without any interference from us. 

(The reference to Nature gives general 
dissatisfaction.) 

lady mary. Father. 

lord loam (a little severely). It settled 
itself long ago, Crichton, when I was born a 
peer, and you, for instance, were born a servant. 

crichton (acquiescing). Yes, my lord, that 
was how it all came about quite naturally in 
England. We had nothing to do with it there, 
and we shall have as little to do with it here. 

treherne (relieved). That 's all right. 

lady mary (determined to clinch the matter). 
One moment. In short, Crichton, his lord- 
ship will continue to be our natural head. 

crichton. I dare say, my lady, I dare say. 

Catherine. But you must know. 

crichton. Asking your pardon, my lady, 
one can't be sure — on an island. 

( They look at each other uneasily.) 

lord loam (warningly). Crichton, I don't 
like this. 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 81 

crichton {harassed). The more I think of it, 
your lordship, the more uneasy I become myself. 
When I heard, my lord, that you had left that 

hairpin behind 

{He is pained.) 

lord loam {feebly) . One hairpin among so 
many would only have caused dissension. 

crichton {very sorry to have to contradict him) . 
Not so, my lord. From that hairpin we could 
have made a needle; with that needle we could, 
out of skins, have sewn trousers — of which 
your lordship is in need; indeed, we are all 
in need of them. 

lady mary {suddenly self-conscious). All? 

crichton. On an island, my lady. 

lady mary. Father. 

crichton {really more distressed by the prospect 
than she). My lady, if Nature does not think 
them necessary, you may be sure she will not 
ask you to wear them. {Shaking his head.) 
But among all this undergrowth 

lady mary. Now you see this man in his 
true colours. 

lord loam (violently). Crichton, you will 



82 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

either this moment say, 'Down with Nature,' 

or 

crichton {scandalised). My Lord! 
lord loam (loftily). Then this is my last 
word to you; take a month's notice. 

(If the hut had a door he would now 
shut it to indicate that the interview is 
closed.) 
crichton (in great distress). Your lordship, 

the disgrace 

lord loam (swelling). Not another word: 
you may go. 

lady mary (adamant). And don't come to 
me, Crichton, for a character. 

ernest (whose immersion has cleared his 
brain) . Aren't you all forgetting that this is an 
island ? 

(This brings them to earth with a bump. 

lord loam looks to his eldest daughter 

for the fitting response.) 

lady mary (equal to the occasion). It makes 

only this difference — that you may go at once, 

Crichton, to some other part of the island. 

(The faithful servant has been true to 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 83 

his superiors ever since he was created, 
and never more true than at this moment; 
but his fidelity is founded on trust in 
Nature, and to be untrue to it would be 
to be untrue to them. He lets the wood 
he has been gathering slip to the ground, 
and bows his sorrowful head. He turns 
to obey. Then affection for these great 
ones wells up in him.) 
crichton. My lady, let ine work for you. 

LADY MARY. Go. 

crichton. You need uie so sorely; I can't 
desert you; I won't. 

lady mary (in alarm, lest the others may 
yield). Then, father, there is but one alterna- 
tive, we must leave him. 

(lord loam is looking yearningly at 

CRICHTON.) 

treherne. It seems a pity. 

Catherine (forlornly). You will work for 
us? 

treherne. Most willingly. But I must 
warn you all that, so far, Crichton has done 
nine-tenths of the scoring. 



84 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary. The question is, are we tG 
leave this man ? 

lord loam {wrapping himself in his dignity) . 
Come, my dears. 

crichton. My lord ! 

lord loam. Treherne — Ernest — get our 
things. 

ernest. We don't have any, uncle. They 
all belong to Crichton. 

treherne. Everything we have he brought 
from the wreck — he went back to it before it 
sank. He risked his life. 

crichton. My lord, anything you would 
care to take is yours. 

lady mary (quickly). Nothing. 

ernest. Rot ! If I could have your socks, 

Crichton 

lady mary. Come, father; we are ready. 
(Followed by the others, she and lord 
loam pick their way up the rocks. In 
their indignation they scarcely notice 
that daylight is coming to a sudden 
end.) 
crichton. My lord, I implore you — / am 



ii.] THE ADMIRABLE CKICHTON 85 

not desirous of being head. Do you have a 
try at it, my lord. 

lord loam {outraged) . A try at it ! 

crichton {eagerly). It may be that you will 
prove to be the best man. 

lord loam. May be ! My children, come. 
{They disappear proudly in single file.) 

treherne. Crichton, I 'm sorry; but of 
course I must go with them. 

crichton. Certainly, sir. 

{He calls to tweeny, and she comes from 
behind the hut, wliere she has been watching 
breathlessly.) 
Will you be so kind, sir, as to take her to the 
others ? 

treherne. Assuredly. 

tweeny. But what do it all mean ? 

crichton. Does, Tweeny, does. {He passes 
her up the rocks to treherne.) We shall meet 
again soon, Tweeny. Good night, sir. 

treherne. Good night. I dare say they 
are not far away. 

crichton {thoughtfully). They went westward, 
sir, and the wind is blowing in that direction. 



86 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

That may mean, sir, that Nature is already 
taking the matter into her own hands. They 
are all hungry, sir, and the pot has come 
a-boil. (He takes off the lid.) The smell will 
be borne westward. That pot is full of Nature, 
Mr. Treherne. Good night, sir. 
treherne. Good night. 

(He mounts the rocks with tweeny, and 
they are heard for a little time after their 
figures are swallowed up in the fast grow- 
ing darkness, crichton stands motionless, 
the lid in his hand, though he has forgotten 
it, and his reason for taking it off the pot. 
He is deeply stirred, but presently is 
ashamed of his dejection, for it is as if he 
doubted his principles. Bravely true to 
his faith that Nature will decide now as 
ever before, he proceeds manfully with his 
preparations for the night. He lights 
a ship's lantern, one of several treasures 
he has brought ashore, and is filling his 
pipe with crumbs of tobacco from various 
pockets, when the stealthy movements of 
some animal in the grass startles him. 



iij THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 87 

With the lantern in one hand and his 
cutlass in the other, he searches the ground 
around the hut. He returns, lights his 
pipe, and sits down by the fire, which casts 
weird moving shadows. There is a red 
gleam on his face; in the darkness he is a 
strong and perhaps rather sinister figure. 
In the great stillness that has fallen over 
the land, the wash of the surf seems to 
have increased in volume. The sound is 
indescribably mournful. Except where the 
fire is, desolation has fallen on the island 
like a pall. 

Once or twice, as Nature dictates, 
crichton leans forward to stir the pot, 
and the smell is borne westward. He then 
resumes his silent vigil. 
Shadows other than those cast by the fire 
begin to descend the rocks. They are the 
adventurers returning. One by one they 
steal nearer to the pot until they are 
squatted round it, with their hands out 
to the blaze, lady mart only is absent. 
Presently she comes within sight of the 



88 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 11. 

others, then stands against a tree with her 
teeth clenched. One wonders, perhaps, 
what Nature is to make of her.) 

End of Act II. 



ACT III 



ACT III 
THE HAPPY HOME 

The scene is the hall of their island home two years 
later. This sturdy log-house is no mere extension of 
the hut we have seen in process of erection, but has 
been built a mile or less to the west of it, on higher 
ground and near a stream. When the master chose 
this site, the others thought that all he expected from 
the stream was a sufficiency of drinking water. They 
know better now every time they go down to the mill 
or turn on the electric light. 

This hall is the living-room of the house, and walls 
and roof are of stout logs. Across the joists supporting 
the roof are laid many home-made implements, such as 
spades, saws, fishing-rods, and from hooks in the 
joists are suspended cured foods, of which hams are 
specially in evidence. Deep recesses half way up the 
walls contain various provender in barrels and sacks. 
There are some skins, trophies of the chase, on the 
floor, which is otherwise bare. The chairs and 
tables are in some cases hewn out of the solid wood, 

91 



92 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

and in others the result of rough but efficient carpenter- 
ing. Various pieces of wreckage from the yacht have 
been turned to novel uses: thus the steering-wheel 
now hangs from the centre of the roof, with electric 
lights attached to it encased in bladders. A lifebuoy 
has become the back of a chair. Two barrels have been 
halved and turn coyly from each otlwr as a settee. 

The farther end of the room is more strictly the 
kitchen, and is a great recess, which can be shut off 
from the hall by folding doors. There is a large open 
fire in it. The chimney is half of one of the boats of 
the yacht. On the walls of the kitchen proper are 
many plate-racks, containing shells; there are rows 
of these of one size and shape, which mark them off 
as dinner plates or bowls; others are as obviously 
tureens. They are arranged primly as in a well- 
conducted kitchen; indeed, neatness and cleanliness 
are the note struck everywhere, yet the effect of the 
vjhole is romantic and barbaric. 

The outer door into this hall is a little peculiar on 
an island. It is covered with skins and is in four 
leaves, like the swing doors of fashionable restaurants, 
which allow you to enter without allowing the hot air 
to escape. During the winter season our castaways 
have found the contrivance useful, but Crichton's 
brain was perhaps a little lordly when he conceived 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 93 

it. Another door leads by a passage to the sleeping- 
rooms of the house, which are all on the ground-floor, 
and to Crichtons work-room, where he is at this 
moment, and whither we should like to follow him, 
but in a play we may not, as it is out of sight. There 
is a large window space without a window, which, 
however, can be shuttered, and through this we have a 
view of cattle-sheds, fowl-pens, and a field of grain. 
It is a fine summer evening. 

Tweeny is sitting there, very busy plucking the 
feathers off a bird and dropping them on a sheet placed 
for that purpose on the floor. She is trilling to herself 
in the lightness of her heart. We may remember 
that Tweeny, alone among the women, had dressed 
wisely for an island when they fled the yacht, and 
her going-away gown still adheres to her, though in 
fragments. A score of pieces have been added here 
and there as necessity compelled, and these have been 
patched and repatched in incongruous colours; but, 
when all is said and done, it can still be maintained 
that Tweeny wears a skirt. She is deservedly proud 
of her skirt, and sometimes lends it on important occa- 
sions when approached in the proper spirit. 

Some one outside has been whistling to Tweeny; the 
guarded whistle which, on a less savage island, is 
sometimes assumed to be an indication to cook that 



94 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

the constable is willing, if the coast be clear. Tweeny, 
hoivever, is engrossed, or perhaps she is not in the 
mood for a follower, so he climbs in at the window 
undaunted, to take her willy nilly. He is a jolly- 
looking labouring man, who anstvers to the name of 
Daddy, and — But though that may be his island 
name, we recognise him at once. He is Lord Loam, 
settled down to the new conditions, and enjoying life 
heartily as handy-man about the happy home. He is 
comfortably attired in skins. He is still stout, but all 
the flabbiness has dropped from him ; gone too is his 
pomposity; his eye is clear, brown his skin; he 
could leap a gate. 

In his hands he carries an island-made concertina, 
and such is the exuberance of his spirits that, as he 
lights on the floor, he bursts into music and song, some- 
thing about his being a chickety chickety chick chick, 
and will Tweeny please to tell him whose chickety chick 
is she. Retribution follows sharp. We hear a whir, 
as if from insufficiently oiled machinery, and over the 
passage door appears a placard showing the one word 
'Silence.' His lordship stops, and steals to Tweeny 
on his tiptoes. 



lord loam. I thought the Gov. was out. 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 95 

tweeny. Well, you see he ain't. And if 

he were to catch you here idling 

(lord loam pales. He lays aside his 

musical instrument and hurriedly dons an 

apron, tweeny gives him the bird to 

pluck, and busies herself laying the table 

for dinner.) 

lord loam (softly). What is he doing now? 

tweeny. I think he 's working out that 

plan for laying on hot and cold. 

lord loam {proud of his master). And he '11 
manage it too. The man who could build a 

blacksmith's forge without tools 

tweeny (not less proud). He made the tools. 
lord loam. Out of half a dozen rusty 
nails. The saw-mill, Tweeny; the speaking- 
tube; the electric lighting; and look at the 
use he has made of the bits of the yacht that 
were washed ashore. And all in two years. 
He 's a master I 'm proud to pluck for. 

(He chirps happily at his work, and she 
regards him curiously.) 
tweeny. Daddy, you 're of little use, but 
you 're a bright, cheerful creature to have about 



96 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

the house. {He beams at this commendation.) 
Do you ever think of old times now? We 
was a bit different. 

lord loam {pausing). Circumstances alter 
cases. 

{He resumes his plucking contentedly.) 

tweeny. But, Daddy, if the chance was 
to come of getting back ? 

lord loam. I have given up bothering about 
it. 

tweeny. You bothered that day long ago 
when we saw a ship passing the island. How 
we all ran like crazy folk into the water, Daddy, 
and screamed and held out our arms. {They 
are both a little agitated.) But it sailed away, 
and we 've never seen another. 

lord loam. If we had had the electrical 
contrivance we have now we could have 
attracted that ship's notice. {Their eyes rest 
on a mysterious apparatus that fills a corner of 
the hall.) A touch on that lever, Tweeny, 
and in a few moments bonfires would be blazing 
all round the shore. 

tweeny {backing from the lever as if it might 



in 1 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 07 



spring at her). It 9 s the most wonderful thing 
he has done. 

lord loam (in a reverie). And then — 
England — home ! 

tweeny (also seeing visions) . London of a 
Saturday night ! 

lord loam. My lords, in rising once more 

to address this historic chamber 

tweeny. There was a little ham and beef 

shop off the Edgware Road 

(The visions fade; they return to the 
practical.) 
lord loam. Tweeny, do you think I could 
have an egg to my tea ? 

(At this moment a wiry, athletic figure 
in skins darkens the window. Be is 
carrying two pails, which are sus- 
pended from a pole on his shoulder, 
and he is ernest. We should say that 
he is ernest completely changed if we 
were of those who hold that people change. 
As he enters by the window he has heard 
lord loam's appeal, and is perhaps 
ju stifi a bly indignan i . ) 



98 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

ernest. What is that about an egg ? Why 
should you have an egg ? 

lord loam (with Jiauteur). That is my 
affair, sir. (With a Parthian shot as he with- 
draws stiffly from the room.) The Gov. has 
never put my head in a bucket. 

ernest (coming to rest on one of his buckets, 
and speaking with excusable pride. To tweeny) . 
Nor mine for nearly three months. It was 
only last week, Tweeny, that he said to me, 
* Ernest, the water cure has worked marvels 
in you, and I question whether I shall 
require to dip you any more.' (Complacently.) 
Of course that sort of thing encourages a 
fellow. 

tweeny (who has now arranged the dinner 
table to her satisfaction). I will say, Erny, I 
never seen a young chap more improved. 

ernest (gratified). Thank you, Tweeny, 
that 's very precious to me. 

(She retires to the fire to work the great 
bellows with her foot, and ernest turns 
to treherne, who has come in looking 
more like a coiv-boy than a clergyman. 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 99 

He has a small box in his hand which he 
tries to conceal.) 

What have you got there, John ? 

treherne. Don't tell anybody. It is a 
little present for the Gov.; a set of razors. 
One for each day in the week. 

ernest (opening the box and examining its 
contents.) Shells ! He '11 like that. He likes 
sets of things. 

treherne (in a guarded voice). Have you 
noticed that ? 

ernest. Rather. 

treherne. He 's becoming a bit magnifi- 
cent in his ideas. 

ernest (huskily). John, it sometimes gives 
me the creeps. 

treherne (making sure that tweeny is 
out of hearing), What do you think of that 
brilliant robe he got the girls to make for 
him. 

ernest (uncomfortably). I think he looks too 
regal in it. 

treherne. Regal ! I sometimes fancy that 
that 's why he 's so fond of wearing it. (Prac- 



100 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

tically.) Well, I must take these down to the 
grindstone and put an edge on them. 

ernest {button-lioling him). I say, John, I 
want a word with you. 

TREHERNE. Well ? 

ernest {become suddenly diffident). Dash it 
all, you know, you 're a clergyman. 

treherne. One of the best things the Gov. 
has done is to insist that none of you forget it. 

ernest {taking his courage in his hands). 
Then — would you, John? 

TREHERNE. What ? 

ernest {wistfully). Officiate at a marriage 
ceremony, John ? 

treherne {slowly) . No w, that 's really odd. 

ernest. Odd ? Seems to me it 's natural. 
And whatever is natural, John, is right. 

treherne. I mean that same question has 
been put to me to-day already. 

ernest {eagerly). By one of the women? 

treherne. Oh no; they all put it to me 
long ago. This was by the Gov. himself. 

ernest. By Jove ! {Admiringly.) I say, 
John, what an observant beggar he is. 



hi.] THE ADMIRABLE CR1CHT0N 101 

treherne. Ah ! You fancy he was thinking 
of you ? 

ernest. I do not hesitate to affirm, John, 
that he has seen the love-light in my eyes. You 
answered 

treherne. I said Yes, I thought it would be 
my duty to officiate if called upon. 

ernest. You 're a brick. 

treherne (still pondering). But I wonder 
whether he was thinking of you ? 

ernest. Make your mind easy about that. 

treherne. Well, my best wishes. Agatha 
is a very fine girl. 

ernest. Agatha? What made you think 
it was Agatha ? 

treherne. Man alive, you told me all about 
it soon after we were wrecked. 

ernest. Pooh ! Agatha 's all very well in 
her way, John, but I 'in flying at bigger game. 

treherne. Ernest, which is it? 

ernest. Tweeny, of course. 

treherne. Tweeny? (Reprovingly.) Ernest, 
I hope her cooking has nothing to do with 
this. 



102 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

ernest {with dignity) . Her cooking has very 
little to do with it. 

treherne. But does she return your 
affection. 

ernest {simply). Yes, John, I believe I 
may say so. I am unworthy of her, but I think 
I have touched her heart. 

treherne {with a sigh). Some people seem 
to have all the luck. As you know, Catherine 
won't look at me. 

ernest. I 'm sorry, John. 

treherne. It 's my deserts; I 'm a second 
eleven sort of chap. Well, my heartiest good 
wishes, Ernest. 

ernest. Thank you, John. How 's the 
little black pig to-day ? 

treherne {departing). He has begun to eat 
again. 

{After a moment's reflection ernest calls 

to TWEENY.) 

ernest. Are you very busy, Tweeny ? 

tweeny {coming to him good-naturedly). 
There 's always work to do; but if you want 
me, Ernest 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 103 



ernest. There 's something I should like to 
say to you if you could spare me a moment. 

tweeny. Willingly. What is it? 

ernest. What an ass I used to be, Tweeny. 

tweeny (tolerantly). Oh, let bygones be 
bygones. 

ernest (sincerely, and at his very best) . I 'm 
no great shakes even now. But listen to 
this, Tweeny; I have known many women, 
but until I knew you I never knew any 
woman. 

tweeny (to whose uneducated ears this sounds 
dangerously like an epigram). Take care — the 
bucket. 

ernest (hurriedly). I didn't mean it in that 
way. (He goes chivalrously on his knees.) Ah, 
Tweeny, I don't undervalue the bucket, but 
what I want to say now is that the sweet refine- 
ment of a dear girl has done more for me than 
any bucket could do. 

tweeny (with large eyes). Are you offering 
to walk out with me, Erny ? 

ernest (passionately). More than that. I 
want to build a little house for you — in the 



104 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

sunny glade down by Porcupine Creek. I want 
to make chairs for you and tables; and knives 
and forks, and a sideboard for you. 

tweeny {who is fond of language). I like to 
hear you. {Eyeing him.) Would there be any 
one in the house except myself, Ernest ? 

ernest {humbly). Not often; but just 
occasionally there would be your adoring 
husband. 

tweeny {decisively). It won't do, Ernest. 

ernest {pleading). It isn't as if I should be 
much there. 

tweeny. I know, I know; but I don't love 
you, Ernest. I 'm that sorry. 

ernest {putting his case cleverly). Twice a 
week I should be away altogether — at the dam. 
On the other days you would never see me from 
breakfast time to supper. 

{With the self-abnegation of the true 
lover.) 
If you like I '11 even go fishing on Sundays. 

tweeny. It 's no use, Erny. 

ernest {rising manfully). Thank you, 
Tweeny; it can't be helped. {Then he re- 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 105 

members.) Tweeny, we shall be disappointing 

the Gov. 

tweeny (with a sinking). What 9 s that? 

ernest. He wanted us to marry. 

tweeny (blankly). You and me? the Gov. ! 

(Her head droops woefully. From without is 

heard the whistling of a happier spirit, and 

tweeny draws herself up fiercely.) That 's her; 

that 's the thing what has stole his heart 

from me. 

(A stalwart youth appears at the window, 
so handsome and tingling with vitality 
that, glad to depose crichton, we cry 
thankfully, 'The hero at last.' But it is 
not the hero; it is the heroine. This 
splendid boy, clad in skins, is what 
Nature has done for lady mary. Site 
carries bow and arrows and a blow-pipe, 
and over her shoulder is a fat buck, 
which site drops with a cry of triumph. 
Forgetting to enter demurely, she leap* 
through the window?) 
(Sourly.) Drat you, Polly, why don't you wipe 

your feet? 



106 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary {good-naturedly). Come, Tweeny, 
be nice to me. It 's a splendid buck. 

{But tweeny shakes her off, and retires 
to the kitchen fire.) 

ernest. Where did you get it ? 

lady mary {gaily). I sighted a herd near 
Penguin's Creek, but had to creep round Silver 
Lake to get to windward of them. How- 
ever, they spotted me and then the fun began. 
There was nothing for it but to try and run 
them down, so I singled out a fat buck and 
away we went down the shore of the lake, 
up the valley of rolling stones; he doubled 
into Brawling River and took to the water, 
but I swam after him; the river is only half 
a mile broad there, but it runs strong. He 
went spinning down the rapids, down I went 
in pursuit; he clambered ashore, I clambered 
ashore; away we tore helter-skelter up the 
hill and down again. I lost him in the marshes, 
got on his track again near Bread Fruit Wood, 
and brought him down with an arrow in Firefly 
Grove. 

tweeny {staring at her). Aren't you tired? 



in] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 107 



lady mart. Tired ! It was gorgeous. 

(She runs up a ladder and deposits her 
weapons on the joists. She is whistling 
again.) 
tweeny {snapping). I can't abide a woman 
whistling. 

lady mary (indifferently). I like it. 
tweeny (stamping her foot) . Drop it, Polly, 
I tell you. 

lady mary (stung). I won't. I 'm as good 
as you are. 

(They are facing each other defiantly.) 
ernest (shocked) . Is this necessary ? Think 
how it would pain him. 

(lady Mary's eyes take a neiv expression. 
We see them soft for the first time.) 
lady mary (contritely) . Tweeny, I beg your 
pardon. If my whistling annoys you, I shall 
try to cure myself of it. 

(Instead of calming tweeny, this floods 
her face in tears.) 
Why, how can that hurt you, Tweeny dear? 
tweeny. Because I can't make you lose 
your temper. 



108 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary (divinely). Indeed, I often do. 
Would that I were nicer to everybody. 

tweeny. There you are again. (Wist- 
fully.) What makes you want to be so nice, 
Polly? 

lady mary (with fervour). Only thankful- 
ness, Tweeny. (She exults.) It is such fun to 
be alive. 

(So also seem to think Catherine and 
agatha, who bounce in with fishing- 
rods and creel. They, too, are in manly 
attire.) 
Catherine. We Ve got some ripping fish 
for the Gov.'s dinner. Are we in time? We 
ran all the way. 

tweeny (tartly). You '11 please to cook 

them yourself, Kitty, and look sharp about it. 

(She retires to her hearth, where agatha 

follows her.) 

agatha (yearning). Has the Gov. decided 

who is to wait upon him to-day ? 

Catherine (who is cleaning her fish). It 's 
my turn. 

agatha (hotly). I don't see that. 



iil] THE ADMIRABLE CMCHTON 109 



tweeny {with bitterness). It 's to be neither 
of you, Aggy; he wants Polly again. 

(lady mary is unable to resist a joyous 
whistle.) 
agatha (jealously). Polly, you toad. 

(But they cannot make lady mary angry.) 
tweeny (storming). How dare you look so 
happy ? 

lady mary (willing to embrace her). I wish, 
Tweeny, there was anything I could do to 
make you happy also. 

tweeny. Me ! Oh, I *m happy. (She re- 
members Ernest, whom it is easy to forget on an 
island.) I 've just had a proposal, I tell you. 

(lady mary is shaken at last, and her 
sisters with her.) 
agatha. A proposal ? 

Catherine (going white). Not — not 

(She dare not say his name.) 
ernest (with singular modesty). You needn't 
be alarmed; it 's only me. 

lady mary (relieved) . Oh, you ! 
agatha (happy again). Ernest, you dear, I 
got such a shock. 



110 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

Catherine. It was only Ernest. (Showing 
him, her fish in thankfulness.) They are beauti- 
fully fresh; come and help me to cook them. 

ernest (with simple dignity). Do you mind 
if I don't cook fish to-night? (She does not 
mind in the least. They have all forgotten him. 
A lark is singing in three hearts.) I think you 
might all be a little sorry for a chap. (But they 
are not even sorry, and he addresses agatha in 
these winged words:) I 'm particularly dis- 
appointed in you, Aggy; seeing that I was 
half engaged to you, I think you might 
have had the good feeling to be a little more 
hurt. 

agatha. Oh, bother. 

ernest (summing up the situation in so far 
as it affects himself). I shall now go and lie 
down for a bit. 

(He retires coldly but unregretted. lady 
mart approaches tweeny with her most 
insinuating smile.) 

lady mary. Tweeny, as the Gov. has chosen 
me to wait on him, please may I have the loan 
of it again ? 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 111 

i 

(The reference made with such charming 

delicacy is evidently to tweeny's skirt.) 

tweeny (doggedly). No, you mayn't. 

agatha (supporting tweeny). Don't you 
give it to her. 

lady mary (still trying sweet persuasion). 
You know quite well that he prefers to be waited 
on in a skirt. 

tweeny. I don't care.. Get one for yourself. 

lady mary. It is the only one on the island. 

tweeny. And it 's mine. 

lady mary (an aristocrat after all). Tweeny, 
give me that skirt directly. 

Catherine. Don't. 

TWEENY. I Won't. 

lady mary (clearing for action). I shall make 
you. 

tweeny. I should like^to see you try. 

(An unseemly fracas appears to be in- 
evitable, but something happens. The 
whir is again heard, and the notice is dis- 
played 'Dogs delight to bark and bite. 9 Its 
effect is instantaneous and cheering. The 
ladies look at each other guiltily and im- 



112 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

mediately proceed on tiptoe to their duties. 
These are all concerned with the master s 
dinner. Catherine attends to his fish. 
agatha fills a quaint toast-rack and brings 
the menu, which is written on a shell. 
lady mary twists a wreath of green leaves 
around her head, and places a flower 
beside the master's plate, tweeny signs 
that all is ready, and she and the younger 
sisters retire into the kitchen, drawing the 
screen that separates it from the rest of the 
room. lady mary beats a tom-tom, 
which is the dinner bell. She then gently 
works a punkah, which we have not 
hitherto observed, and stands at atten- 
tion. No doubt she is in hopes that 
the Gov. will enter into conversation ivith 
her, but she is too good a parlour-maid, 
to let her hopes appear in her face. We 
may watch her manner with complete 
approval. There is not one of us who 
would not give her £26 a year. 
The master comes in quietly, a book in 
his hand, still the only book on the island, 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 113 

for he has not thought it worth while to 
build a printing-press. His dress is not 
noticeably different from that of the others, 
the skins are similar, but perhaps these 
are a trifle more carefully cut or he carries 
them better. One sees somehow that he 
has changed for his evening meal. There 
is an odd suggestion of a dinner jacket 
about his doeskin coat. It is, perhaps, 
too grave a face for a man of thirty-two, as 
if he were over much immersed in affairs, 
yet there is a sunny smile left to lighten it 
at times and bring back its youth; perhaps 
too intellectual a face to pass as strictly 
handsome, not sufficiently suggestive of 
oats. His tall figure is very straight, 
slight rather than thickset, but nobly 
muscular. His big hands, firm and hard 
with labour though they be, are finely 
shaped — note the fingers so much more 
tapered, the nails better tended than 
those of his domestics; they are one of 
many indications that he is of a superior 
breed. Such signs, as has often been 



114 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

pointed out, are infallible. A romantic 
figure, too. One can easily see ivhy the 
women-folks of this strong man's house 
both adore and fear him. 
He does not seem to notice tvho is waiting 
on him to-night, but inclines his head 
slightly to whoever it is, as she takes 
her place at the back of his chair, lady 
mary respectfully places the menu-shell 
before him, and he glances at it.) 

crichton. Clear, please. 

(lady mary knocks on the screen, and a 
serving hutch in it opens, through which 
tweeny offers two soup plates, lady 
mary selects the clear, and the aperture is 
closed. She works the punkah while the 
master partakes of the soup.) 

crichton (who always gives praise where it is 
due). An excellent soup, Polly, but still a 
trifle too rich. 

lady mary. Thank you. 

(The next course is the fish, and while 
it is being passed through the hutch we 
have a glimpse of three jealous women. 



m.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 115 

lady mart's movements are so deft and 
noiseless that any observant spectator can 
see that she was born to ivait at table.) 
crichton (unbending as he eats). Polly, you 
are a very smart girl. 

lady mary (brindling, but naturally gratified) . 
La! 

crichton (smiling). And I 'm not the first 
you 've heard it from, I '11 swear. 
lady mary (wriggling) . Oh Gov. ! 
crichton. Got any followers on the island, 
Polly? 

lady mary (tossing her head). Certainly not. 
crichton. I thought that perhaps John or 

Ernest 

lady mary (tilting her nose). I don't say 
that it 's for want of asking. 

crichton (emphatically). I 'm sure it isn't. 
(Perhaps he thinks he has gone too far.) 
You may clear. 

(Flushed with pleasure, she puts before 
him a bird and vegetables, sees that his 
beaker is filled with wine, and returns 
to the punkah. She would love to continue 



116 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON ]act 

their conversation, but it is for him to 
decide. For a time he seems to have 
forgotten her.) 

crichton. Did you lose any arrows to-day ? 

lady mary. Only one in Firefly Grove. 

crichton. You were as far as that? How 
did you get across the Black Gorge ? 

lady mary. I went across on the rope. 

crichton. Hand over hand ? 

lady mary {swelling at the implied praise). I 
wasn't in the least dizzy. 

crichton {moved). You brave girl! {He 
sits back in his chair a little agitated.) But never 
do that again. 

lady mary {pouting). It is such fun, Gov. 

crichton {decisively). I forbid it. 

lady mary {the little rebel). I shall. 

crichton {surprised) . Polly ! 

{He signs to her sharply to step forward, 
but for a moment she holds back petu- 
lantly, and even when she does came it is 
less obediently than like a naughty, sulky 
child. Nevertheless, with the forbearance 
that is characteristic of the man, he addresses 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 117 

her with grave gentleness rather than 
severely.) 
You must do as I tell you, you know. 
lady mary {strangely passionate). I shan't. 
crichton (smiling at her fury). We shall see. 
Frown at me, Polly; there, you do it at once. 
Clench your little fists, stamp your feet, bite 

your ribbons 

(A student of women, or at least of this 
woman, he knows that she is about to do 
those things, and thus she seems to do 
them to order. lady mary screws up 
her face like a baby and cries. He is 
immediately kind.) 
You child of Nature; was it cruel of me to 
wish to save you from harm ? 

lady mary {drying her eyes). I 'm an un- 
gracious wretch. Oh Gov., I don't try half hard 
enough to please you. I 'm even wearing — {she 
looks down sadly) — when I know you prefer it. 

crichton (thoughtfully). I admit I do prefer 
it. Perhaps I am a little old-fashioned in these 
matters. 

(Her tears again threaten.) 



118 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

All, don't, Polly; that 's nothing. 

lady mary. If I could only please you, Gov. 

crichton {slowly) . You do please me, child, 

very much — {he half rises) — very much indeed. 

(// he meant to say more he checks himself. He 

looks at his plate.) No more, thank you. 

{The simple island meal is ended, save for 
the walnuts and the wine, and crichton 
is too busy a man to linger long over them. 
But he is a stickler for etiquette, and the 
table is cleared charmingly, though with 
dispatch, before they are placed before him. 
lady mary is an artist with the crumb- 
brush, and there are few arts more delight- 
ful to watch. Dusk has come sharply, and 
she turns on the electric light. It awakens 
crichton from a reverie in which lie has 
been regarding her.) 
crichton. Polly, there is only one thing 

about you that I don't quite like. 

{She looks up, making a moue, if that can 
be said of one who so well knows her place. 
He explains.) 

That action of the hands. 



in] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 119 

lady mary. What do I do ? 

crichton. So — like one washing them. I 
have noticed that the others tend to do it also. 
It seems odd. 

lady mary {archly). Oh Gov., have you 
forgotten ? 

crichton. What ? 

lady mary. That once upon a time a certain 
other person did that. 

crichton (growing) . You mean myself ? (She 
nods, and he shudders.) Horrible ! 

lady mary {afraid she has hurt him). You 
haven't for a very long time. Perhaps it is 
natural to servants. 

crichton. That must be it. {He rises.) 
Polly ! {She looks up expectantly, but he only 
sighs and turns away.) 

lady mary {gently). You sighed, Gov. 

crichton. Did I ? I was thinking. {He paces 
the room and then turns to her agitatedly, yet 
with control over his agitation. There is some 
mournfulness in his voice.) I have always tried 
to do the right thing on this island. Above all, 
Polly, I want to do the right thing by you. 



120 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary (with shining eyes). How we all 
trust you. That is your reward, Gov. 

crichton (who is having a fight with himself). 
And now I want a greater reward. Is it fair 
to you? Am I playing the game? Bill 
Crichton would like always to play the game. 

If we were in England 

(He pauses so long that she breaks in 
softly.) 
lady mary. We know now that we shall 
never see England again. 

crichton. I am thinking of two people 
whom neither of us has seen for a long time — 
Lady Mary Lasenby, and one Crichton, a 
butler. 

(He says the last word bravely, a word he 

once loved, though it is the most horrible 

of all words to him now.) 

lady mary. That cold, haughty, insolent 

girl. Gov., look around you and forget them 

both. 

crichton. I had nigh forgotten them. He 
has had a chance, Polly — that butler — in these 
two years of becoming a man, and he has tried 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 121 

to take it. There have been many failures, 
but there has been some success, and with it I 
have let the past drop off me, and turned my 
back on it. That butler seems a far-away 
figure to me now, and not myself. I hail him, 
but we scarce know each other. If I am to 
bring him back it can only be done by force, 
for in my soul he is now abhorrent to me. But 
if I thought it best for you I 'd haul him back; 
I swear as an honest man, I would bring him 
back with all his obsequious ways and deferential 
airs, and let you see the man you call your 
Gov. melt for ever into him who was your 
servant. 

lady mary (shivering). You hurt me. You 
say these things, but you say them like a king. 
To me it is the past that was not real. 

crichton (too grandly). A king! I some- 
times feel-- 

(For a moment the yellow light gleams in his 
green eyes. We remember suddenly what 
treherne and ernest said about his 
regal look. He checks himself.) 
I say it harshly, it is so hard to say, and all 



122 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 



the time there is another voice within me cry- 
ing (He stops.) 

lady mary (trembling but not afraid). If it 
is the voice of Nature 

crichton (strongly). I know it to be the 
voice of Nature. 

iady mary (in a whisper). Then, if you 
want to say it very much, Gov., please say it to 
Polly Lasenby. 

crichton (again in the grip of an idea). A 
king! Polly, some people hold that the soul 
but leaves one human tenement for another, and 
so lives on through all the ages. I have oc- 
casionally thought of late that, in some past 
existence, I may have been a king. It has all 
come to me so naturally, not as if I had had to 
work it out, but — as — if — I — remembered. 

'Or ever the knightly years were gone, 
With the old world to the grave, 
I was a king in Babylon, 
And you were a Christian slave.' 

It may have been ; you hear me, it may have been. 
lady mary (who is as one fascinated) . It may 
have been. 



ml THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 123 



crichton. I am lord over all. They are 

but hewers of wood and drawers of water for 

me. These shores are mine. Why should I 

hesitate; I have no longer any doubt. I do 

believe I am doing the right thing. Dear Polly, 

I have grown to love you; are you afraid to 

mate with me? (She rocks her arms; no words 

will come from her.) 

'I was a king in Babylon, 
And you were a Christian slave.' 

lady mary (bewitched). You are the most 
wonderful man I have ever known, and I am 
not afraid. 

{He takes her to him reverently. Pre- 
sently he is seated, and she is at his feet 
looking up adoringly in his face. As 
the tension relaxes she speaks with a 
smile.) 
I want you to tell me — every woman likes to 
know — when was the first time you thought 
me nicer than the others ? 

crichton (who, like all big men, is simple). I 
think a year ago. We were chasing goats on the 
Big Slopes, and you out-distanced us all; you 



124 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

were the first of our party to run a goat down; I 
was proud of you that day. 

lady mary (blushing with pleasure). Oh 
Gov., I only did it to please you. Everything 
I have done has been out of the desire to please 
you. (Suddenly anxious.) If I thought that 
in taking a wife from among us you were im- 
perilling your dignity 

crichton (perhaps a little masterful). Have 
no fear of that, dear. I have thought it all out. 
The wife, Polly, always takes the same position 
as the husband. 

lady mary. But I am so unworthy. It was 
sufficient to me that I should be allowed to wait 
on you at that table. 

crichton. You shall wait on me no longer. 
At whatever table I sit, Polly, you shall soon sit 
there also. (Boyishly.) Come, let us try what 
it will be like. 

lady mary. As your servant at your feet. 

crichton. No, as my consort by my side. 
(They are sitting thus when the hatch 
is again opened and coffee offered. But 
lady mary is no longer there to receive 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 125 



it. Her sisters peep through in consterna- 
tion. In vain they rattle the cup and saucer. 
agatha brings the coffee to crichton.) 
crichton (forgetting for the moment that it is 
not a month hence). Help your mistress first, 
girl. (Three women are bereft of speech, but 
he does not notice it. He addresses Catherine 
vaguely.) Are you a good girl, Kitty ? 

Catherine (when she finds her tongue). I 
try to be, Gov. 

crichton (still more vaguely). That 's right. 

(He takes command of himself again, 

and signs to them to sit dozen, ernest 

comes in cheerily, but finding crichton 

here is suddenly weak. He subsides on 

a chair, wondering what has happened.) 

crichton (surveying him) . Ernest, (ernest 

rises.) You are becoming a little slovenly in 

your dress, Ernest; I don't like it. 

ernest (respectfully). Thank you. (ernest 
sits again, daddy and treherne arrive.) 
crichton. Daddy, I want you. 
lord loam (with a sinking). Is it because I 
forgot to clean out the dam ? 



126 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

crichton {encouragingly). No, no. (He 
pours some wine into a goblet.) A glass of wine 
with you, Daddy. 

lord loam (hastily). Your health, Gov. 
(He is about to drink, but the master checks 
him.) 
crichton. And hers. Daddy, this lady has 
done me the honour to promise to be my wife. 
lord loam (astounded) . Polly ! 
crichton (a little perturbed). I ought first 
to have asked your consent. I deeply regret — 
but Nature; may I hope I have your approval ? 
lord loam. May you, Gov. ? (Delighted.) 
Rather! Polly! 

(He puts his proud arms round her.) 
treherne. We all congratulate you, Gov., 
most heartily. 

ernest. Long life to you both, sir. 

(There is much shaking of hands, all of 

which is sincere.) 

treherne. When will it be, Gov. ? 

crichton (after turning to lady mary, who 

whispers to him). As soon as the bridal skirt 

can be prepared. (His manner has been most 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 127 

indulgent, and without the slightest suggestion of 
patronage. But he knows it is best for all that 
he should keep his place, and that his presence 
hampers them.) My friends, I thank you for 
your good wishes, I thank you all. And now, 
perhaps you would like me to leave you to 
yourselves. Be joyous. Let there be song and 
dance to-night. Polly, I shall take my coffee 
in the parlour — you understand. 

(He retires with pleasant dignity. Im- 
mediately there is a rush of two girls at 

LADY MARY.) 

lady mary. Oh, oh ! Father, they are 
pinching me. 

lord loam (taking her under his protection). 
Agatha, Catherine, never presume to pinch your 
sister again. On the other hand, she may pinch 
you henceforth as much as ever she chooses. 

(In the meantime tweeny is weeping 
softly, and the two are not above using 
her as a weapon.) 
Catherine. Poor Tweeny, it 's a shame. 
agatha. After he had almost promised 
you. 



128 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

tweeny (loyally turning on them). No, he 
never did. He was always honourable as 
could be. 'Twas me as was too vulgar. Don't 
you dare say a word agin that man. 

ERNEST (to LORD LOAM). You '11 get a lot 

of tit-bits out of this, Daddy. 

lord loam. That 's what I was thinking. 

ernest (plunged in thought). I dare say / 
shall have to clean out the dam now. 

lord loam (heartlessly). I dare say. 

(His gay old heart makes him again pro- 
claim that he is a chickety chick. He 
seizes the concertina.) 

treherne (eagerly). That 's the proper 
spirit. 

(He puts his arm round Catherine, and 
in another moment they are all dancing 
to Daddy's music. Never were people 
happier on an island. A moment's pause 
is presently created by the return of 
crichton, wearing the wonderful robe of 
which we have already had, dark mention. 
Never has he looked more regal, never 
perhaps felt so regal. We need not grudge 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 129 

him the one foible of his rule, for it is all 
coming to an end.) 
crichton (graciously, seeing them hesitate). 
No, no; I am delighted to see you all so happy. 
Go on. 

treherne. We don't like to before you, 
Gov. 

crichton (his last order). It is my wish. 

(The merrymaking is resumed, and soon 
crichton himself joins in the dance. It 
is when the fun is at its fastest and most 
furious that all stop abruptly as if turned 
to stone. They have heard the boom of a 
gun. Presently they are alive again. 
ernest leaps to the window.) 
treherne (huskily). It was a ship's gun. 
(They turn to crichton for confirmation; even 
in that hour they turn to crichton.) Gov. ? 
crichton. Yes. 

(In another moment lady mary and 
lord loam are alone.) 
lady mary (seeing that her father is uncon- 
cerned). Father, you heard. 

lord loam (placidly). Yes, my child. 



130 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary (alarmed by his unnatural calm- 
ness). But it was a gun, father. 

lord loam (looking an old man now, and 
shuddering a little). Yes — a gun — I have often 
heard it. It 's only a dream, you know; why 
don't we go on dancing ? 

(She takes his hands, which have gone 
cold.) 

lady mary. Father. Don't you see, they 
have all rushed down to the beach ? Come. 

lord loam. Rushed down to the beach; 
yes, always that — I often dream it. 

lady mary. Come, father, come. 

lord loam. Only a dream, my poor girl. 
(crichton returns. He is pale but 
firm.) 

crichton. We can see lights within a mile 
of the shore — a great ship. 

lord loam. A ship — always a ship. 

lady mary. Father, this is no dream. 

lord loam (looking timidly at crichton). 
It 's a dream, isn't it? There 's no ship? 

crichton (soothing him with a touch). You 
are awake, Daddy, and there is a ship. 



m.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 131 

lord loam (clutching him). You are not 
deceiving me? 

crichton. It is the truth. 

lord loam (reeling). True? — a ship — at 
last! 

(He goes after the others pitifully.) 

crichton (quietly). There is a small boat 
between it and the island; they must have 
sent it ashore for water. 

lady mary. Coming in ? 

crichton. No. That gun must have been 
a signal to recall it. It is going back. They 
can't hear our cries. 

lady mary (pressing her temples). Going 
away. So near — so near. (Almost to herself.) 
I think I 'm glad. 

crichton (cheerily). Have no fear. I shall 
bring them back. 

(He goes towards the table on which is 
the electrical apparatus.) 

lady mary (standing on guard as it were 
between him and the table). What are you 
going to do ? 

crichton. To fire the beacons. 



132 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary. Stop ! (She faces him.) Don't 
you see what it means ? 

crichton (firmly). It means that our life 
on the island has come to a natural end. 

lady mary (huskily). Gov., let the ship 
go. 

crichton. The old man — you saw what it 
means to him. 

lady mary. But I am afraid. 

crichton (adoringly). Dear Polly. 

lady mary. Gov., let the ship go. 

crichton (she clings to him, but though it is his 
death sentence he loosens her hold) . Bill Crichton 
has got to play the game. 

(He pulls the levers. Soon through the 
window one of the beacons is seen flaring 
red. There is a long pause. Shouting is 
heard, ernest is the first to arrive.) 

ernest. Polly, Gov., the boat has turned 
back. They are English sailors; they have 
landed ! We are rescued, I tell you, rescued ! 

lady mary (wanhj). Is it anything to make 
so great a to-do about ? 

ernest (staring). Eh? 



in.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 133 

lady mary. Have we not been happy here ? 
ernest. Happy ? lord, yes. 
lady mary (catching hold of his sleeve). 
Ernest, we must never forget all that the Gov. 
has done for us. 

ernest (stoutly). Forget it? The man who 
could forget it would be a selfish wretch and 
a — — - But I say, this makes a difference ! 
lady mary (quickly). No, it doesn't. 
ernest (his mind tottering). A mighty 
difference ! 

(The others come running in, some weeping 
with joy, others boisterous. We see blue- 
jackets gazing through the windoio at the 
curious scene, lord loam comes ac- 
companied by a naval officer, whom he is 
continually shaking by tfie hand.) 
lord loam. And here, sir, is our little home. 
Let me thank you in the name of us all, again and 
again and again. 

officer. Very proud, my lord. It is indeed 
an honour to have been able to assist so dis- 
tinguished a gentleman as Lord Loam. 

lord loam. A glorious, glorious day. I 



134 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act hi. 

shall show you our other room. Come, my 

pets. Come, Crichton. 

{He has not meant to be cruel. He does 
not know he has said it. It is the old 
life that has come back to him. They 
all go. All leave crichton except lady 

MARY.) 

lady mary {stretching out her arms to him). 
Dear Gov., I will never give you up. 

{There is a salt smile on his face as he 
shakes his head to her. He lets the cloak 
slip to the ground. She will not take 
this for an answer; again Iter arms go out 
to him. Then comes the great renuncia- 
tion. By an effort of will he ceases to be 
an erect figure; he has the humble bearing 
of a servant. His hands come together 
as if he were washing them.) 
crichton {it is the speech of his life) . My lady. 
{She goes away. There is none to salute 
him now, unless we do it.) 

End of Act III. 



ACT IV 



ACT IV 
THE OTHER ISLAND 

Some months have elapsed, and we have again the 
honour of waiting upon Lord Loam in his London 
home. It is the room of the first act, but with a new 
scheme of decoration, for on the walls are exhibited 
many interesting trophies from the island, such as 
skins, stuffed birds, and weapons of the chase, labelled 
'Sfwt by Lord Loam, 9 'Hon. Ernest Woollens Blow- 
pipe, 7 etc. There are also two large glass cases con- 
taining other odds and ends, including, curiously 
enough, the bucket in which Ernest was first dipped, 
but there is no label calling attention to the incident. 

It is not yet time to dress for dinner, and his lordship 
is on a couch, hastily yet furtively cutting the pages 
of a new book. With him are his two younger daughters 
and his nephew, and they also are engaged in literary 
pursuits; that is to say, the ladies are eagerly but 
furtively reading the evening papers, of which Ernest 
is sitting complacently but furtively on an endless 
number, and doling them out as called for. Note the 
frequent use of the word ' furtive.* It implies that 

137 



138 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

they do not wish to be discovered by their butler, say, 
at their otherwise delightful task. 

agatha {reading aloud, with emphasis on the 
wrong words). 'In conclusion, we most heartily 
congratulate the Hon. Ernest Woolley. This 
book of his, regarding the adventures of him- 
self and his brave companions on a desert isle, 
stirs the heart like a trumpet.' 

{Evidently the booh referred to is the one 
in lord loam's hands.) 

ernest {handing her a pink paper). Here is 
another. 

Catherine {reading) . ' From the first to the 
last of Mr. Woolley 's engrossing pages it is 
evident that he was an ideal man to be wrecked 
with, and a true hero.' {Large-eyed.) Ernest ! 

ernest {calmly) . That 's how it strikes them, 
you know. Here 's another one. 

agatha {reading). 'There are many kindly 
references to the two servants who were wrecked 
with the family, and Mr. Woolley pays the 
butler a glowing tribute in a footnote.' 
{Some one coughs uncomfortably^) 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 139 

lord loam {who has been searching the index 
for the letter L). Excellent, excellent. At the 
same time I must say, Ernest, that the whole 
book is about yourself. 

ernest {genially). As the author 

lord loam. Certainly, certainly. Still, you 
know, as a peer of the realm — {with dignity) — I 
think, Ernest, you might have given me one of 
your adventures. 

ernest. I say it was you who taught us how 
to obtain a fire by rubbing two pieces of stick 
together. 

lord loam {beaming). Do you, do you? I 
call that very handsome. What page ? 

{Here the door opens, and the well-bred 
crichton enters with the evening papers 
as subscribed for by the house. Those we 
have already seen have perhaps been intro- 
duced by ernest up his waistcoat. Every 
one except the intruder is immediately 
self-conscious, and when he with- 
draws there is a general sigh of relief. 
They pounce on the new papers. 
ernest evidently gets a shock from one, 



140 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON Iact 

which he casts contemptuously on the 

floor.) 

agatha {more fortunate). Father, see page 

81. 'It was a tiger-cat,' says Mr. Woolley, 'of 

the largest size. Death stared Lord Loam in 

the face, but he never flinched.' 

lord loam {searching his book eagerly). 
Page 81. 

agatha. 'With presence of mind only 
equalled by his courage, he fixed an arrow 
in his bow.' 

lord loam. Thank you, Ernest; thank you, 
my boy. 

agatha. 'Unfortunately he missed.' 

lord loam. Eh? 

agatha. ' But by great good luck I heard his 

cries ' 

lord loam. My cries ? 

agatha. — 'and rushing forward with 
drawn knife, I stabbed the monster to the 
heart.' 

(lord loam shuts his booh with a pettish 
slam. There might be a scene here were 
it not that crichton reappears and goes 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 141 

to one of the glass cases. All are at once 
on the alert, and his lordship is particularly 
sly.) 
lord loam. Anything in the papers, 
Catherine ? 

Catherine. No, father, nothing — nothing 
at all. 

ernest (it pops out as of yore) . The papers ! 
The papers are guides that tell us what we ought 
to do, and then we don't do it. 

(crichton having opened the glass case 
has taken out the bucket, and ernest, 
looking round for applause, sees him 
carrying it off and is undone. For a 
moment of time he forgets that he is no 
longer on the island, and with a sigh he 
is about to follow crichton and the bucket 
to a retired spot. The door closes, and 
ernest comes to himself.) 
lord loam (uncomfortably). I told him to 
take it away. 

ernest. I thought — (he wipes his brow) — I 
shall go and dress. 
(He goes.) 



142 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

Catherine. Father, it 's awful having 
Crichton here. It 's like living on tiptoe. 

lord loam (gloomily). While he is here we 
are sitting on a volcano. 

agatha. How mean of you ! I am sure 
he has only stayed on with us to — to help us 
through. It would have looked so suspicious 
if he had gone at once. 

Catherine {revelling in the worst). But 
suppose Lady Brocklehurst were to get at 
him and pump him. She 's the most terrify- 
ing, suspicious old creature in England; and 
Crichton simply can't tell a lie. 

lord loam. My dear, that is the volcano 
to which I was referring. (He has evidently 
something to communicate.) It 's all Mary's 
fault. She said to me yesterday that she 
would break her engagement with Brockle- 
hurst unless I told him about — you know 
what. 

(All conjure up the vision of crichton.) 

agatha. Is she mad ? 

lord loam. She calls it common honesty. 

Catherine. Father, have you told him ? 



iv] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 143 

lord loam (heavily) . She thinks I have, but 
I couldn't. She 's sure to find out to-night. 

{Unconsciously he leans on the island 
concertina, which he has perhaps been 
lately showing to an interviewer as some- 
thing he made for tweeny. It squeaks, 
and they all jump.) 
Catherine. It 's like a bird of ill-omen. 
lord loam (vindictively). I must have it 
taken away; it has done that twice. 

(lady mary comes in. She is in evening 
dress. Undoubtedly she meant to sail in, 
but she forgets, and despite her garments 
it is a manly entrance. She is properly 
ashamed of herself. She tries again, and 
has an encouraging success. She indi- 
cates to her sisters that she wishes to be 
alone with papa.) 
agatha. All right, but we know what it's 
about. Come along, Kit. 

(They go. lady mary thoughtlessly sits 
like a boy, and again corrects herself. 
She addresses her father, but he is in a 
brown study, and she seeks to draw his 



144 THE ADMIRABLE CMCHTON [act 

attention by whistling. This troubles them 
both.) 

lai>y mary. How horrid of me ! 

lord loam (depressed). If you would try to 
remember 

lady mary (sighing). I do; but there are 
so many things to remember. 

lord loam (sympathetically). There are — (in 
a whisper). Do you know, Mary, I constantly 
find myself secreting hairpins. 

lady mary. I find it so difficult to go up 
steps one at a time. 

lord loam. I was dining with half a dozen 
members of our party last Thursday, Mary, 
and they were so eloquent that I couldn't help 
wondering all the time how many of their 
heads he would have put in the bucket. 

lady mary. I use so many of his phrases. 
And my appetite is so scandalous. Father, I 
usually have a chop before we sit down to 
dinner. 

lord loam. As for my clothes — (wriggling). 
My dear, you can't think how irksome collars 
are to me nowadays. 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 145 

lady mary. They can't be half such an 

annoyance, father, as 

(She looks dolefully at her skirt.) 

lord loam (hurriedly). Quite so — quite so. 
You have dressed early to-night, Mary. 

lady mary. That reminds me; I had a 
note from Brocklehurst saying that he would 
come a few minutes before his mother as — as 
he wanted to have a talk with me. He didn't 
say what about, but of course we know. 
(His lordship fidgets.) 

(With feeling.) It was good of you to tell 
him, father. Oh, it is horrible to me — (covering 
her face). It seemed so natural at the time. 

lord loam ('petulantly). Never again make 
use of that word in this house, Mary. 

l\dy mary (with an effort). Father, Brockle- 
hurst has been so loyal to me for these two 
years that I should despise myself were I to keep 
my — my extraordinary lapse from him. Had 
Brocklehurst been a little less good, then you 
need not have told him my strange little secret. 

lord loam (weakly). Polly — I mean Mary 
— it was all Crichton's fault, he 



146 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary {with decision). No, father, no; 
not a word against him though. I haven't the 
pluck to go on with it; I can't even understand 
how it ever was. Father, do you not still hear 
the surf ? Do you see the curve of the beach ? 

lord loam. I have begun to forget — {in a 
low voice). But they were happy days; there 
was something magical about them. 

lady mary. It was glamour. Father, I 
have lived Arabian nights. I have sat out a 
dance with the evening star. But it was all 
in a past existence, in the days of Babylon, 
and I am myself again. But he has been 
chivalrous always. If the slothful, indolent 
creature I used to be has improved in any way, 
I owe it all to him. I am slipping back in 
many ways, but I am determined not to slip 
back altogether — in memory of him and his 
island. That is why I insisted on your telling 
Brocklehurst. He can break our engagement 
if he chooses. {Proudly.) Mary Lasenby is going 
to play the game. 

lord loam. But my dear 

(lord brocklehurst is announced.) 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 147 

lady mary {meaningly). Father, dear, 
oughtn't you to be dressing ? 

lord loam {very unhappy). The fact is — 
before I go — I want to say 

lord brocklehurst. Loam, if you don't 
mind, I wish very specially to have a word 
with Mary before dinner. 

LORD LOAM. But 

lady mary. Yes, father. 

{She induces him to go, and thus courage- 
ously faces lord brocklehurst to hear 
her fate.) 
I am ready, George. 

lord brocklehurst {who is so agitated that 
she ought to see he is thinking not of her but of 
himself). It is a painful matter — I wish I 
could have spared you this, Mary. 
lady mary. Please go on. 
lord brocklehurst. In common fairness, 
of course, this should be remembered, that two 
years had elapsed. You and I had no reason 
to believe that we should ever meet again. 

{This is more considerate than she had 
expected.) 



148 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary (softening). I was so lost to the 
world, George. 

lord brocklehurst (with a groan). At 
the same time, the thing is utterly and abso- 
lutely inexcusable 

lady mary (recovering her hauteur) . Oh ! 

lord brocklehurst. And so I have already 
said to mother. 

lady mary (disdaining him). You have 
told her ? 

lord brocklehurst. Certainly, Mary, cer- 
tainly; I tell mother everything. 

lady mary (curling her lip). And what did 
she say ? 

lord brocklehurst. To tell the truth, 
mother rather pooh-poohed the whole affair. 

lady mary (incredulous). Lady Brockle- 
hurst pooh-poohed the whole affair ! 

lord brocklehurst. She said, 'Mary and 
I will have a good laugh over this.' 

lady mary (outraged). George, your mother 
is a hateful, depraved old woman. 

lord brocklehurst. Mary ! 

lady mary (turning away). Laugh in- 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 149 

deed, when it will always be such a pain 
to me. 

lord brocklehurst {with strange humility). 
If only you would let me bear all the pain, 
Mary. 

lady mary (who is taken aback). George, 

I think you are the noblest man 

(She is touched, and gives him both her 
hands. Unfortunately he simpers.) 

lord brocklehurst. She was a pretty 
little thing. 

(She stares, but he marclies to his doom.) 
Ah, not beautiful like you. I assure you it 
was the merest flirtation; there were a few 
letters, but we have got them back. It was 
all owing to the boat being so late at Calais. 
You see she had such large, helpless eyes. 

lady mary (fixing him). George, when you 
lunched with father to-day at the club 

lord brocklehurst. I didn't. He wired 
me that he couldn't come. 

lady mary (with a tremor). But he wrote 
you? 

LORD EROCKLEHURST. No. 



150 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary (a bird singing in her breast) . You 
haven't seen him since ? 

LORD BROCKLEHURST. No. 

(She is saved. Is he to be let off also? 
Not at all. She bears down on him like 
a ship of war.) 

lady mary. George, who and what is this 
woman ? 

lord brocklehurst (cowering). She was — 
she is — the shame of it — a lady's-maid. 

lady mary (properly horrified). A what? 

lord brocklehurst. A lady's-maid. A 
mere servant, Mary, (lady mary whirls round 
so that he shall not see her face.) I first met her 
at this house when you were entertaining the 
servants; so you see it was largely your father's 
fault. 

lady mary (looking him up and down). A 
lady's-maid ? 

lord brocklehurst (degraded). Her name 
was Fisher. 

lady mary. My maid ! 

lord brocklehurst (with open hands). Can 
you forgive me, Mary ? 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 151 



lady mary. Oh George, George ! 

lord brocklehurst. Mother urged me not 
to tell you anything about it; but 

lady mary (from her heart) . I am so glad you 
told me. 

lord brocklehurst. You see there was 
nothing wrong in it. 

lady mary (thinking perhaps of another 
incident). No, indeed. 

lord brocklehurst (inclined to simper again). 
And she behaved awfully well. She quite saw 
that it was because the boat was late. I suppose 
the glamour to a girl in service of a man in high 
position 

lady mary. Glamour ! — yes, yes, that was it. 

lord brocklehurst. Mother says that a 
girl in such circumstances is to be excused if 
she loses her head. 

lady mary (impulsively). George, I am so 
sorry if I said anything against your mother. I 
arn sure she is the dearest old thing. 

lord brocklehurst (in calm waters at last). 
Of course for women of our class she has a very 
different standard. 



152 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady mary (grown tiny). Of course. 

lord brocklehurst. You see, knowing how 
good a woman she is herself, she was naturally 
anxious that I should marry some one like her. 
That is what has made her watch your conduct 
so jealously, Mary. 

lady mary (hurriedly thinking things out). I 
know. I — I think, George, that before your 
mother comes I should like to say a word to 
father. 

lord brocklehurst (nervously). About 
this? 

lady mary. Oh no; I shan't tell him of 
this. About something else. 

lord brocklehurst. And you do forgive 
me, Mary ? 

lady mary (smiling on him). Yes, yes. I — 
I am sure the boat was very late, George. 

lord brocklehurst (earnestly). It really 
was. 

lady mary. I am even relieved to know that 
you are not quite perfect, dear. (She rests her 
hands on his shoulders. She has a moment of 
contrition.) George, when we are married, we 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 153 

shall try to be not an entirely frivolous couple, 

won't we? We must endeavour to be of some 

little use, dear. 

lord brocklehurst (the ass). Noblesse 

oblige. 

lady mary (haunted by the phrases of a better 

man) . Mary Lasenby is determined to play the 

game, George. 

(Perhaps she adds to herself, 'Except 
just this once. 9 A kiss closes this episode 
of the two lovers: and soon after the de- 
parture Of LADY MARY the COUNTESS OF 

brocklehurst is announced. She is a 
very formidable old lady.) 

lady brocklehurst. Alone, George ? 

lord brocklehurst. Mother, I told her all; 
she has behaved magnificently. 

lady brocklehurst (who has not shared his 
fears). Silly boy. (She casts a supercilious eye 
on the island trophies.) So these are the wonders 
they brought back with them. Gone away to 
dry her eyes, I suppose ? 

lord brocklehurst (proud of his mate). 
She didn't cry, mother. 



154 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

lady brocklehurst. No ? {She reflects.) 
You 're quite right. I wouldn't have cried. 
Cold, icy. Yes, that was it. 

lord brocklehurst (who has not often con- 
tradicted her) . I assure you, mother, that wasn't 
it at all. She forgave me at once. 

lady brocklehurst (opening her eyes sharply 
to the full). Oh! 

lord brocklehurst. She was awfully nice 
about the boat being late; she even said she 
was relieved to find that I wasn't quite perfect. 

lady brocklehurst (pouncing) . Shesaidthat ? 

lord brocklehurst. She really did. 

lady brocklehurst. I mean I wouldn't. 
Now if / had said that, what would have made 
me say it? (Suspiciously.) George, is Mary 
all we think her ? 

lord brocklehurst (with unexpected spirit). 
If she wasn't, mother, you would know it. 

lady brocklehurst. Hold your tongue, 
boy. We don't really know what happened 
on that island. 

lord brocklehurst. You were reading the 
book all the morning. 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 155 

lady brocklehurst. How can I be sure 
that the book is true ? 

lord brocklehurst. They all talk of it as 
true. 

lady brocklehurst. How do I know that 
they are not lying ? 

lord brocklehurst. Why should they lie ? 

lady brocklehurst. Why shouldn't they? 
(She reflects again.) If I had been wrecked on 
an island, I think it highly probable that I 
should have lied when I came back. Weren't 
some servants with them ? 

lord brocklehurst. Crichton, the butler. 
(He is surprised to see her ring the bell.) 
Why, mother, you are not going to 

lady brocklehurst. Yes, I am. (Pointed- 
ly.) George, watch whether Crichton begins any 
of his answers to my questions with ' The fact is.' 

LORD BROCKLEHURST. Why ? 

lady brocklehurst. Because that is usu- 
ally the beginning of a lie. 

LORD BROCKLEHURST (as CRICHTON Opens 

the door). Mother, you can't do these things 
in other people's houses. 



156 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

LADY BROCKLEHURST (coolly, to CRICHTON). 

It was I who rang. (Surveying him through her 
eyeglass.) So you were one of the castaways, 
Crichton ? 

crichton. Yes, my lady. 

lady brocklehurst. Delightful book Mr. 
Woolley has written about your adventures. 
(crichton bows.) Don't you think so ? 

crichton. I have not read it, my lady. 

lady brocklehurst. Odd that they should 
not have presented you with a copy. 

lord brocklehurst. Presumably Crichton 
is no reader. 

lady brocklehurst. By the way, Crichton, 
were there any books on the island ? 

crichton. I had one, my lady — Henley's 
poems. 

lord brocklehurst. Never heard of him. 
(crichton again bows.) 

lady brocklehurst (who has not heard of 
him either). I think you were not the only 
servant wrecked ? 

crichton. There was a young woman, my 
lady. 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 157 

lady brocklehurst. I want to see her. 
(crichton bows, but remains.) Fetch her up. 
(He goes.) 
lord brocklehurst (almost standing up to 
his mother). This is scandalous. 

lady brocklehurst (defining her position). 
I am a mother. 

(Catherine and agatha enter in dazzling 
confections, and quake in secret to find 
themselves practically alone with lady 

BROCKLEHURST.) 

(Even as she greets them.) How d' you do, 
Catherine — Agatha? You didn't dress like 
this on the island, I expect! By the way, 
how did you dress ? 

(They have thought themselves prepared, 

but ) 

agatha. Not — not so well, of course, but 
quite the same idea. 

(They are relieved by the arrival of 
treherne, who is in clerical dress.) 
lady brocklehurst. How do you do, Mr. 
Treherne? There is not so much of you in 
the book as I had hoped. 



158 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

treherne (modestly). There wasn't very 
much of me on the island, Lady Brocklehurst. 
lady brocklehurst. How d' ye mean ? 

(He shrugs his honest shoulders.) 
lord brocklehurst. I hear you have got 
a living, Treherne. Congratulations. 
treherne. Thanks. 
lord brocklehurst. Is it a good one ? 
treherne. So-so. They are rather weak in 
bowling, but it 's a good bit of turf. 

(Confidence is restored by the entrance of 
ernest, who takes in the situation 
promptly, and, of course, knows he is a 
match for any old lady,) 
ernest (with ease). How do you do, Lady 
Brocklehurst. 

lady brocklehurst. Our brilliant author ! 
ernest (impervious to satire) . Oh, I don't know. 
lady brocklehurst. It is as engrossing, 
Mr. Woolley, as if it were a work of fiction. 
ernest (suddenly uncomfortable). Thanks, 

awfully. (Recovering.) The fact is 

(He is puzzled by seeing the Brocklehurst 
family exchange meaning looks.) 



iv] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 159 

Catherine {to the rescue). Lady Brockle- 
hurst, Mr. Treherne and I — we are engaged. 
agatha. And Ernest and I. 
lady brocklehurst {grimly). I see, my 
dears; thought it wise to keep the island in 
the family. 

(An awkward moment this for the entrance 

of lord loam and lady mary, who, after 

a private talk upstairs, are feeling happy 

and secure.) 

lord loam (with two hands for his distinguished 

guest). Aha! ha, ha! younger than any of 

them, Emily. 

lady brocklehurst. Flatterer. (To lady 
mary.) You seem in high spirits, Mary. 
lady mary (gaily). I am. 
lady brocklehurst (with a significant glance 

at lord brocklehurst). After 

lady mary. I — I mean. The fact is 



(Again that disconcerting glance between 
the Countess and her son.) 
lord loam (humorously). She hears wedding 
bells, Emily, ha, ha ! 

LADY BROCKLEHURST (coldly). Do VOU, 



160 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

Mary? Can't say I do; but I'm hard of 
hearing. 

lady mary {instantly her match). If you 
don't, Lady Brocklehurst, I 'm sure I don't. 

lord loam {nervously). Tut, tut. Seen our 
curios from the island, Emily; I should like 
you to examine them. 

lady brocklehurst. Thank you, Henry. I 
am glad you say that, for I have just taken the 
liberty of asking two of them to step upstairs. 
{There is an uncomfortable silence, which 
the entrance of crichton with tweeny 
does not seem to dissipate, crichton is im- 
penetrable ,but tweeny hangs back in fear.) 
lord brocklehurst {stoutly). Loam, I have 
no hand in this. 

lady brocklehurst {undisturbed). Pooh, 
what have I done ? You always begged me to 
speak to the servants, Henry, and I merely 
wanted to discover whether the views you used 
to hold about equality were adopted on the 
island; it seemed a splendid opportunity, but 
Mr. Woolley has not a word on the subject. 
{All eyes turn to ernest.) 



iv.l THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 101 



ernest {with confidence) . The fact is 
(T he fatal words again.) 



lord loam (not quite certain what he is to 
assure her of). I assure you, Emily 

lady mary (as cold as steel). Father, nothing 
whatever happened on the island of which I, 
for one, am ashamed, and I hope Crichton 
will be allowed to answer Lady Brocklehurst's 
questions. 

lady brocklehurst. To be sure. There 's 
nothing to make a fuss about, and we 're a 
family party. (To crichton.) Now, truth- 
fully, my man. 

crichton (calmly). I promise that, my lady. 
(Some hearts sink, the hearts that could 
never understand a Crichton.) 

lady brocklehurst (sharply). Well, were 
you all equal on the island ? 

crichton. No, my lady. I think I may 
say there was as little equality there as else- 
where. 

lady brocklehurst. All the social dis- 
tinctions were preserved ? 

crichton. As at home, my lady. 



mi THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 



lady brocklehurst. The servants ? 
crichton. They had to keep their place. 
lady brocklehurst. Wonderful. How was 
it managed ? ( With an inspiration . ) You , girl , 
tell me that ? 

(Can there be a more critical moment?) 
tweeny (in agony). If you please, my lady, 
it was all the Gov.'s doing. 

(They give themselves up for lost, lord 
loam tries to sink out of sight.) 
crichton. In the regrettable slang of the 
servants' hall, my lady, the master is usually 
referred to as the Gov. 

lady brocklehurst. I see. (She turns to 

LORD LOAM.) You 

lord loam (reappearing). Yes, I under- 
stand that is what they call me. 

LADY BROCKLEHURST (to CRICHTON). Yoil 

didn't even take your meals with the family ? 

crichton. No, my lady, I dined apart. 
(Is all safe?) 

lady brocklehurst (alas). You, girl, also? 
Did you dine with Crichton ? 

tweeny (scared). No, your ladyship. 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 163 

lady brocklehurst {fastening on her) . With 
whom ? 

tweeny. I took my bit of supper with — 
with Daddy and Polly and the rest. 
(V<b victis.) 

ernest {leaping into the breach). Dear old 
Daddy — he was our monkey. You remember 
our monkey, Agatha ? 

agatha. Rather ! What a funny old darling 
he was. 

Catherine {thus encouraged). And don't you 
think Polly was the sweetest little parrot, 
Mary ? 

lady brocklehurst. Ah ! I understand ; 
animals you had domesticated ? 

lord loam {heavily). Quite so — quite so. 

lady brocklehurst. The servants' teas 
that used to take place here once a month 

crichton. They did not seem natural on the 
island, my lady, and were discontinued by the 
Gov.'s orders. 

lord brocklehurst. A clear proof, Loam, 
that they were a mistake here. 

lord loam {seeing the opportunity for a 



164 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

diversion). I admit it frankly. I abandon 
them. Emily, as the result of our experiences 
on the island, I think of going over to the 
Tories. 

lady brocklehurst. I am delighted to 
hear it. 

lord loam (expanding). Thank you,Crich ton, 
thank you; that is all. 

(He motions to them to go, but the time is 
not yet.) 

lady brocklehurst. One moment. (There 
is a universal but stifled groan.) Young people, 
Crichton, will be young people, even on an 
island; now, I suppose there was a certain 
amount of — shall we say sentimentalising, 
going on ? 

crichton. Yes, my lady, there was. 

lord brocklehurst (ashamed). Mother! 

lady brocklehurst (disregarding him). 
Which gentleman? s (To tweeny) You, girl, 
tell me. 

tweeny (confused). If you please, ma- 
lady 

ernest (hurriedly). The fact is- 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 165 

(He is checked as before, and probably 
says 'D — rt to himself, but he has saved 
the situation.) 
tweeny (gasping). It was him — Mr. Ernest, 
your ladyship. 

LADY BROCKLEHURST (counsel for the pWSeCU- 

Hon). With which lady? 

agatha. I have already told you, Lady 
Brocklehurst, that Ernest and I 

LADY BROCKLEHURST. Yes, UOW ; but yOU 

were two years on the island. {Looking at lady 
mary). Was it this lady ? 

tweeny. No, your ladyship. 

lady brocklehurst. Then I don't care 
which of the others it was. (tweeny gurgles.) 
Well, I suppose that will do. 

lord brocklehurst. Do ! I hope you are 
ashamed of yourself, mother. (To crichton, 
who is going). You are an excellent fellow, 
Crichton; and if, after we are married, 
you ever wish to change your place, come 
to us. 

lady mary (losing her head for the only time). 
Oh no, impossible. 



166 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act 

LADY BROCKLEHURST (at OTlCe suspicious). 

Why impossible? (lady mary cannot answer, 

or perhaps she is too proud.) Do you see why it 

should be impossible, my man ? 

(He can make or mar his unworthy mary 
now. Have you any doubt of him ?) 
crichton. Yes, my lady. I had not told 

you, my lord, but as soon as your lordship is 

suited I wish to leave service. 

(They are all immensely relieved, except 
poor TWEENY.) 
treherne (the only curious one). What will 

you do, Crichton ? 

(crichton shrugs his shoulders ; ' God 
knows,' if may mean.) 
crichton. Shall I withdraw, my lord ? 

(He withdraws without a tremor, tweeny 
accompanying him. They can all breathe 
again; the thunderstorm is over.) 
lady brocklehurst (thankful to have made 

herself unpleasant). Horrid of me, wasn't it? 

But if one wasn't disagreeable now and again, 

it would be horribly tedious to be an old 

woman. He will soon be yours, Mary, and 



iv.] THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON 107 

then — think of the opportunities you will 
have of being disagreeable to me. On that 
understanding, my dear, don't you think we 

might ? 

{Their cold lips meet.) 
lord loam (vaguely). Quite so — quite so. 
(crichton announces dinner, and they 
file out. lady mary stays behind a 
moment and impulsively holds out her 
hand.) 
lady mary. To wish you every dear happi- 
ness. 

crichton (an enigma to the last) The same 
to you, my lady. 

lady mary. Do you despise me, Crichton ? 
(The man who could never tell a lie makes 
no answer.) You are the best man among 
us. 

crichton. On an island, my lady, perhaps; 
but in England, no. 

lady mary. Then there 's something wrong 
with England. 

crichton. My lady, not even from you can 
I listen to a word against England. 



168 THE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON [act iv. 

lady mary. Tell me one thing: you have 
not lost your courage ? 
crichton. No, my lady. 

(She goes. He turns out the lights.) 

The End. 



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